Hello again all!
If you read my last post (that is, the one not about hyperlinks, but the one before that), then you should know that there is an ontological argument for the existence of our school. However, apparently thinking about my soul mate with blue eyes and brown hair distracts me from ontological arguments, because I never did complete the ontological argument that I was going to make.
As you know from the great scholastic Anselm, I can conceive of a perfect law school. The law school would be more perfect if it did exist than if it did not. Therefore, the perfect law school does exist, and its name is the Brown University School of Law. This kind of argumentation has no fallacies, and can be used to prove the existence of other things, such as perfect islands.
Now, at this point you may be scratching your head and saying wtf. That is what I did the first time I heard the ontological argument. Also, you may be scratching your head in wonderment of how BS Law both exists and does not exist. You also might have head lice. But that's the magic of BS Law. It's always there for you, even when it isn't. It is the most mythological law school ever, what with its unicorns and ponies and library-castles that float in the air, hovering menacingly over Harvard Law School as their students run in terror from our laser beams, and, just as there is an argument for the most perfectest law school, there is an argument for the most mythological law school. It goes like this. I can conceive of a law school where no other law school could be more mythical. It would be more mythical if this law school did not exist. Therefore, the most mythical law school (that's us) does not exist.
That's it folks. We both do and do not exist. That fact brings the very essence of logic to its knees. May it beg for the mercy we do not have.
All the best!
Dean Brown
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Vanishing Hyperlinks
Hello again!
For some reason, the blog system seems to have eaten all of our hyperlinks! :O I know! I'm not sure what sort of human being would do such a thing, but someone did. There should be a lawsuit... (hint, hint, all you future lawyers out there...). In any case, our Facebook page is at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Brown-University-School-of-Law/113180462092231. You should also definitely check out our first 2 or 3 posts that we ever did. That should give you a sense of us!
Brown Team
For some reason, the blog system seems to have eaten all of our hyperlinks! :O I know! I'm not sure what sort of human being would do such a thing, but someone did. There should be a lawsuit... (hint, hint, all you future lawyers out there...). In any case, our Facebook page is at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Brown-University-School-of-Law/113180462092231. You should also definitely check out our first 2 or 3 posts that we ever did. That should give you a sense of us!
Brown Team
Time Sure Does Fly!
Dear People and Things,
Wow, where has the time gone? Seriously! It feels exactly as though the summer just vanished away beneath my feet and dumped me into a chair at Law School! Now, if I were a law student (which I am not, since I Direct Admissions), I would be heaps busy right now, and would use this blog as an opportunity to procrastinate on my torts homework or something.
It has been a long time since I have said anything, and, I must say, I do not recognize the sound of my own voice. But, assuredly, my own voice is very, very sexy, so I'm sure lots of you want to hear more of what I have to say. I've been churning around a few dead sparrows in my mind, thinking of how I could make the Brown University School of Law an even better place than it already is. We already have the best financial aid in the country, some of the best law professors, and we have a library that's shit full of awesome. And, of course, we have you, our lovely students, who always trace the line between what is and what is not, which, in turn, forever answers Hamlet's question of "To be, or not to be?" with a very firm maybe.
So, what can we do to improve the school? We've thought about it and concluded that nothing can possibly be done to improve the school. Some have challenged this idea by saying, "Well, it sure would be better if the school actually existed!" First, I must say that existence is entirely overrated. Seriously, who wants to do something so trivial as exist? Existence is such a petty matter, and philosophers have gone to great lengths to say absolutely nothing about it. Indeed, the study of existence is known as ontology. Who could say, seriously, "I am an ontologist!" proudly? No one. And do you want to be a no one? Then don't complain so much about the existence problem! Problem solved.
Second, we do exist. Consider Anselm's ontological argument for the existence of God, and then forget about it. Anselm said that he could think of something that was perfect in every way, and, since it was better for this thing to exist than not exist, it therefore must exist. It is a great argument, and I use it to convince myself that there is the perfect woman waiting out there just for me. Some people call this person a "soul mate", while others call it garbage. But, whatever you want to call it, she will have blue eyes and brown hair, because that is what I like, and, moreover, is objectively more perfect.
Well, that's enough churning of the dead sparrows in my head. Some of them are beginning to be covered in their own posthumous droppings, which is kind of gross. Please check back all the time, as I post frequently according when I can remember/have things I need to procrastinate on. Feel free to send questions! And subscribe to Facebook. Everyone has a Facebook nowadays. I'm thinking of making a handbook, where everyone showcases pictures of their hands and say what they like to do with them.
Until next time!
Dean Brown
Director of Admissions
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
No Money from the U.N. =(
Dear Applicants,
It is a sad, sad day for us, as it has come to our attention that the money promised to us by the U.N. appears very unlikely to ever make it to our hands. Now, we have been writing to the courier company for awhile, but they no longer respond to our emails. So, here's what has been going down since our last post about the money.
We talked briefly with the U.N. representative for awhile, who then informed us that he was sending our Mastercard via some small courier company that we had never heard of. He gave us the email and address of the company in London, and we contacted them. They then asked for our personal information, some of which had already been given to the U.N., and also for £850. We asked them why they needed our personal information, seeing as we had given it to the U.N. already, and the address, etc. should already be on the box, and why the price was so high for courier services. They got a little testy when we asked them that, and proclaimed that it was their "civic right" to ask us for our personal information. The following is the personal information we gave to the U.N.:
1. Valid Delivery Address.
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
1st Brown St.
Brown City, VT 00637
2. Full Names.
The Brown University School of Law Admissions Team
3. Phone Number.
67
Now, since it had been a couple days later, we realized that some of our personal information may have changed during that time, and so we sent the courier company the following updated information:
VITAL INFORMATION:
FULL NAME: Dean Unicornelius Brown (step)
DATE OF BIRTH: September 31, 1967
STATE OF ORIGIN: Newportal VX, USA
NATIONALITY: American and Hamiltonian dual citizenship
SEX: Yes
ADDRESS Home: 3011 Atruelier Way, Apt. 6719Z, Worthier VX, 00637
PHONE NO CELL/HOME: 671 181 957
ADDRESS OFFICE: Brown University School of Law, Admissions Office, 2rd Brown St., Browntown, VT 00637
PHONE NO CELL/OFFICE: 671 181 957
FAX: 671 181 957
PREFFERED ADDRESS TO DELIVER PARCEL
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
2rd Brown St.
Browntown, VT 00637
CLIENT SIGN
D.U.B. (step)
After providing them with that information, I asked them to confirm if that was the address the U.N. had put on the box, and, much to our relief, they confirmed that our address at 2rd Brown St. in Browntown VT was what the U.N. had put on the box, despite this being a new address that we invented. We also realized that Brown Law ought to be located in Browntown instead of Brown City, because 'brown' rhymes with 'town'. Browntown. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? We have also discovered that the zip code 00637 is located in Puerto Rico. They also didn't ask about our birth state, which bears the state abbreviation "VX". We do not know what state "VX" is, but we hoped that it was the right one. We also don't know where Hamiltonia is, but we have a citizenship there. We're fans of Alexander Hamilton though, so that counts for something. They also solicited us for sex, to which we said yes, but they never followed up on that either. They also apparently never tried to call our phone number, which only has nine digits, as opposed to the usual ten, and is the same number as our fax machine. And, furthermore, they failed to note that there is no such date as September 31.
However, they did reply to our concern about the price, and informed us that it was so high due to the fact that the charge reflected more than just a delivery charge, and could be broken down in the following way:
Courier Delivery charges.......150Pounds
Value Added Tax (VAT).........250Pounds
Insurance and Security........150pounds
Stamp Duties........................
This amounts to a total of the 850Pounds required from you.
We then informed them that this number was surely in error, for two reasons. First, there shouldn't be any stamp duty, seeing as a stamp duty is a tax that is not applicable to courier services. Second, the VAT rate in the UK is 20%, and only the delivery charges and insurance were eligible for a VAT, seeing as the dubious stamp duty is, itself, a tax, and taxes are not charges that can be taxed further. We do not appreciate it when people attempt to tax our tax. At any rate, we said that the charge should be only 360 pounds, correcting for the faux stamp tax and the 80% VAT rate. They agreed to scrap the stamp duty, as that was in error, but the VAT reflects what the U.N. has set for awards exceeding a million pounds, and so we owed them 550 pounds. We then informed them that the U.N. is not a tax levying entity, and therefore cannot set any tax rate anywhere, but this did not convince them to drop the charges below 550 pounds.
And so we agreed to pay the 550 pounds, but, since our imaginary bank charges us foreign transaction fees, we forwarded our imaginary money to an imaginary friend that was conveniently located in London, and we informed them that we would pay locally. They then replied that, due to security reasons, they cannot accept payments from third parties, and that either we would have to pay from our current location, or accept the package in person. We informed them that there was no security risk, seeing as all our friend would be doing was giving money, not accepting the package, and that we had legally authorized him to handle our financial transactions. The courier company was not satisfied by this, and so we informed them that we were in Paris at the moment, and thus would travel over to London to pick up the package ourselves in a couple days at their office, seeing as we had their address at 115 Hyde Park Gate, Kensington London, and that we knew the area, seeing as we have been to London before, and Virginia Woolf was born on that street. We asked if they had ever visited Virginia Woolf at 22 Hyde Park Gate, but they didn't answer that question. They did, however, inform us that, since we were coming in person, there would be no need for their courier services, and thus the fee would now be £10,000 for notarization and documentation fees. We agreed to that sum without question, for £10,000 is obviously a very reasonable price for getting a couple documents notarized. Once, here in the U.S., a public notary notarized a document for me for free. However, on a different occasion, we were heavily extorted, and they charged us $1 to have our document notarized. We were quite outraged by such an exorbitant charge, and so we vowed that the public notary was a public enemy and that we would never let them rip us off so badly again. 10,000 pounds, however, is quite reasonable, seeing as we are extraordinarily fat, and weigh at least 25,000 lbs., if not 30,000. Hence, we could easily give away 10,000 pounds, provided they had the instruments necessary for cutting away the 10,000 lbs. of human flesh off of our body. We keep it attached to us to keep it fresh.
Later on, we emailed the courier company informing them that we had walked around Hyde Park Gate and could not find their office anywhere, and that 115 Hyde Park Gate looked remarkably like an apartment building. We did not actually walk down that road, but we typed it into Google Maps and went on an imaginary adventure in the Google Maps photographs. We then asked if they could pick us up at our hotel instead, and they agreed to this. We then looked for five star hotels that were a decent hike away on the outskirts of London, and gave them the name and address of one that looked nice. We also told them to ask for us, "Dean Unicornelius Brown, the Unicorn Man" at the front desk, for that is what the desk staff knew us as. We do not know if they ever went to the hotel in the end, although, strangely enough, they no longer replied to our emails afterwards. How terribly disappointing! Maybe, somewhere along the line, they figured out that we actually do not exist, except in the imaginations of innocent children. It's probably just as well, seeing as we knew all along that they did not exist either, and that their courier company is just as imaginary as we are. They just have real fees, whereas we do not.
Oh! And remember how we stated that the United Nations was using Yahoo, and how Yahoo was inferior to Gmail? Well, it turns out that they upgraded to Gmail sometime during our interaction with them. We are very pleased to know that the U.N. uses the finest in free email right now. On a side note, we were disappointed that the courier company never commented on the year that we received our J.D. from B. S. Law. You see, we're terribly precocious, and, in our imaginations, we were in the class of '65. Given the birthdate in 1967 we gave above, this would mean that we received our J.D. at the ripe age of -2 years old. We believe that, if you can think something, then that something is both true and real, despite however they might contradict with "the facts". We here at Brown Law don't believe in the facts, and neither should you.
While we have not been to London or Paris recently, despite whatever we told the courier company, we have been to both once before. That, however, was quite a long time, back in the years of our youth. Our youth really was quite awful, seeing as it was filled with horrors such as high school. We hope that you did not go to high school, for it is a place filled of angst and suffering and petty nonsense. Ah, those were dark days....
In any case, as always, subscribe to our Facebook, and to this blog. Seeing as we have no concept of time, and so we are unable to distinguish between how much time comprises a week and how much time comprises a month, it would be irresponsible for us to say when we plan to have our next post up. However, we're justing going to go ahead and be irresponsible and say that we want to have another one up a week from now.
Contrapositively yours,
The Admissions Team
It is a sad, sad day for us, as it has come to our attention that the money promised to us by the U.N. appears very unlikely to ever make it to our hands. Now, we have been writing to the courier company for awhile, but they no longer respond to our emails. So, here's what has been going down since our last post about the money.
We talked briefly with the U.N. representative for awhile, who then informed us that he was sending our Mastercard via some small courier company that we had never heard of. He gave us the email and address of the company in London, and we contacted them. They then asked for our personal information, some of which had already been given to the U.N., and also for £850. We asked them why they needed our personal information, seeing as we had given it to the U.N. already, and the address, etc. should already be on the box, and why the price was so high for courier services. They got a little testy when we asked them that, and proclaimed that it was their "civic right" to ask us for our personal information. The following is the personal information we gave to the U.N.:
1. Valid Delivery Address.
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
1st Brown St.
Brown City, VT 00637
2. Full Names.
The Brown University School of Law Admissions Team
3. Phone Number.
67
Now, since it had been a couple days later, we realized that some of our personal information may have changed during that time, and so we sent the courier company the following updated information:
VITAL INFORMATION:
FULL NAME: Dean Unicornelius Brown (step)
DATE OF BIRTH: September 31, 1967
STATE OF ORIGIN: Newportal VX, USA
NATIONALITY: American and Hamiltonian dual citizenship
SEX: Yes
ADDRESS Home: 3011 Atruelier Way, Apt. 6719Z, Worthier VX, 00637
PHONE NO CELL/HOME: 671 181 957
ADDRESS OFFICE: Brown University School of Law, Admissions Office, 2rd Brown St., Browntown, VT 00637
PHONE NO CELL/OFFICE: 671 181 957
FAX: 671 181 957
PREFFERED ADDRESS TO DELIVER PARCEL
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
2rd Brown St.
Browntown, VT 00637
CLIENT SIGN
D.U.B. (step)
After providing them with that information, I asked them to confirm if that was the address the U.N. had put on the box, and, much to our relief, they confirmed that our address at 2rd Brown St. in Browntown VT was what the U.N. had put on the box, despite this being a new address that we invented. We also realized that Brown Law ought to be located in Browntown instead of Brown City, because 'brown' rhymes with 'town'. Browntown. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? We have also discovered that the zip code 00637 is located in Puerto Rico. They also didn't ask about our birth state, which bears the state abbreviation "VX". We do not know what state "VX" is, but we hoped that it was the right one. We also don't know where Hamiltonia is, but we have a citizenship there. We're fans of Alexander Hamilton though, so that counts for something. They also solicited us for sex, to which we said yes, but they never followed up on that either. They also apparently never tried to call our phone number, which only has nine digits, as opposed to the usual ten, and is the same number as our fax machine. And, furthermore, they failed to note that there is no such date as September 31.
However, they did reply to our concern about the price, and informed us that it was so high due to the fact that the charge reflected more than just a delivery charge, and could be broken down in the following way:
Courier Delivery charges.......150Pounds
Value Added Tax (VAT).........250Pounds
Insurance and Security........150pounds
Stamp Duties........................
This amounts to a total of the 850Pounds required from you.
We then informed them that this number was surely in error, for two reasons. First, there shouldn't be any stamp duty, seeing as a stamp duty is a tax that is not applicable to courier services. Second, the VAT rate in the UK is 20%, and only the delivery charges and insurance were eligible for a VAT, seeing as the dubious stamp duty is, itself, a tax, and taxes are not charges that can be taxed further. We do not appreciate it when people attempt to tax our tax. At any rate, we said that the charge should be only 360 pounds, correcting for the faux stamp tax and the 80% VAT rate. They agreed to scrap the stamp duty, as that was in error, but the VAT reflects what the U.N. has set for awards exceeding a million pounds, and so we owed them 550 pounds. We then informed them that the U.N. is not a tax levying entity, and therefore cannot set any tax rate anywhere, but this did not convince them to drop the charges below 550 pounds.
And so we agreed to pay the 550 pounds, but, since our imaginary bank charges us foreign transaction fees, we forwarded our imaginary money to an imaginary friend that was conveniently located in London, and we informed them that we would pay locally. They then replied that, due to security reasons, they cannot accept payments from third parties, and that either we would have to pay from our current location, or accept the package in person. We informed them that there was no security risk, seeing as all our friend would be doing was giving money, not accepting the package, and that we had legally authorized him to handle our financial transactions. The courier company was not satisfied by this, and so we informed them that we were in Paris at the moment, and thus would travel over to London to pick up the package ourselves in a couple days at their office, seeing as we had their address at 115 Hyde Park Gate, Kensington London, and that we knew the area, seeing as we have been to London before, and Virginia Woolf was born on that street. We asked if they had ever visited Virginia Woolf at 22 Hyde Park Gate, but they didn't answer that question. They did, however, inform us that, since we were coming in person, there would be no need for their courier services, and thus the fee would now be £10,000 for notarization and documentation fees. We agreed to that sum without question, for £10,000 is obviously a very reasonable price for getting a couple documents notarized. Once, here in the U.S., a public notary notarized a document for me for free. However, on a different occasion, we were heavily extorted, and they charged us $1 to have our document notarized. We were quite outraged by such an exorbitant charge, and so we vowed that the public notary was a public enemy and that we would never let them rip us off so badly again. 10,000 pounds, however, is quite reasonable, seeing as we are extraordinarily fat, and weigh at least 25,000 lbs., if not 30,000. Hence, we could easily give away 10,000 pounds, provided they had the instruments necessary for cutting away the 10,000 lbs. of human flesh off of our body. We keep it attached to us to keep it fresh.
Later on, we emailed the courier company informing them that we had walked around Hyde Park Gate and could not find their office anywhere, and that 115 Hyde Park Gate looked remarkably like an apartment building. We did not actually walk down that road, but we typed it into Google Maps and went on an imaginary adventure in the Google Maps photographs. We then asked if they could pick us up at our hotel instead, and they agreed to this. We then looked for five star hotels that were a decent hike away on the outskirts of London, and gave them the name and address of one that looked nice. We also told them to ask for us, "Dean Unicornelius Brown, the Unicorn Man" at the front desk, for that is what the desk staff knew us as. We do not know if they ever went to the hotel in the end, although, strangely enough, they no longer replied to our emails afterwards. How terribly disappointing! Maybe, somewhere along the line, they figured out that we actually do not exist, except in the imaginations of innocent children. It's probably just as well, seeing as we knew all along that they did not exist either, and that their courier company is just as imaginary as we are. They just have real fees, whereas we do not.
Oh! And remember how we stated that the United Nations was using Yahoo, and how Yahoo was inferior to Gmail? Well, it turns out that they upgraded to Gmail sometime during our interaction with them. We are very pleased to know that the U.N. uses the finest in free email right now. On a side note, we were disappointed that the courier company never commented on the year that we received our J.D. from B. S. Law. You see, we're terribly precocious, and, in our imaginations, we were in the class of '65. Given the birthdate in 1967 we gave above, this would mean that we received our J.D. at the ripe age of -2 years old. We believe that, if you can think something, then that something is both true and real, despite however they might contradict with "the facts". We here at Brown Law don't believe in the facts, and neither should you.
While we have not been to London or Paris recently, despite whatever we told the courier company, we have been to both once before. That, however, was quite a long time, back in the years of our youth. Our youth really was quite awful, seeing as it was filled with horrors such as high school. We hope that you did not go to high school, for it is a place filled of angst and suffering and petty nonsense. Ah, those were dark days....
In any case, as always, subscribe to our Facebook, and to this blog. Seeing as we have no concept of time, and so we are unable to distinguish between how much time comprises a week and how much time comprises a month, it would be irresponsible for us to say when we plan to have our next post up. However, we're justing going to go ahead and be irresponsible and say that we want to have another one up a week from now.
Contrapositively yours,
The Admissions Team
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Job Prospects? No thanks!
Dear Gentle Applicant,
Recently, it has come to our attention that the following adjectives have been used to describe the job prospects in today's job market: "bleak", "disastrous", "not so good", "frappuccino", and "terrible". In our opinion, this indicates that perhaps it is hard for people to obtain jobs nowadays, and this perhaps might be worrisome to you, our potential applicants. Some of you have asked what kinds of jobs BS Law graduates go on to obtain, and how our students fare in todays legal market--these are very natural worries. However, we are very pleased to report that our students do quite well in this area, and we can happily say that no student of ours has ever gone on to be employed, ever. We used the word 'ever' twice in that sentence for emphasis. That's right--a degree from BS Law will ensure that you will never have to work a job ever again in your life. After all, why would you want to? Jobs are hard work, especially ones in the field of law, and, really, who wants to work hard? Certainly not us.
We are quite proud of our 0% employment rate 9 months after graduation. We recently read that Stanford's rate was a godawful 99%. At first we were quite excited to hear that at least 1% had managed to escape the dreadful fate of working a job and pursuing a career, but then we found out that that 1% was comprised of some student going on to pursue a further graduate degree. We feel very sorry for their students, seeing as it looks like all of them eventually go on to work for a living. Fortunately, our students aren't confined to such worldly trappings as jobs, and they manage to get on quite well without jobs. Of course, in order to remain jobless, sometimes they have to give up certain things--for example, eating. We know that some of our graduates have given up eating because "it was too expensive", and we applaud such ingenuity. We have heard that a human being can survive for weeks without food; however, Brown Law graduates push such natural boundaries to the limit. We are 95% certain that, if you give up eating, you will manage to survive for the rest of your life.
Eating is one of those activities that is terribly overrated. We mean, seriously, who eats? It's an expensive habit to maintain, and we've heard that an overdose of food can sometimes result in death. In other cases, it results in obesity, diabetes, rabies, babies, and more death. We have also heard of a disease called "diabeetus". Thank you Mr. Wilford Brimley for enlightening us about that. At any rate, all of this just proves that eating is problematic and, if you should have to choose between eating and going to Brown Law, we obviously think you should go to Brown Law. It's better than eating.
We ourselves eat as little as we can. Indeed, we eat as little as 3-5 meals a day, including breakfast, lunch, dinner, second dinner, and random meal time. However, between meals, we are perfectly pleased to report that we are both totally vegan and non-eaters, excepting moments when we snack on things which include food and other non-vegan items. We have heard that being vegan can grant one psychic powers, and we are quite excited at the prospect of that. They have not yet sunk in, but we're sure that those will kick in soon. We begin every morning by attempting to bend spoons with our mind as we eat our bacon flavored cereal.
So, back to employment opportunities for Brown Law graduates. There are none, seeing as Brown Law is a school that is so good that it is above existence. Recent, non-existent Brown Law graduates have raved about the school, saying such things as, "No place will hire me with this shitty degree," and "Would you like fries with that?" The Brown University School of Law simply dominates the market of shitty degrees and fries, and that's a fact we're proud of.
Or do we? It has come to our attention that some colleges award a degree some people try to call a "Bachelor of Science". Of course, we here at Brown Law know bullshit when we see it, and we also know that the abbreviation for that word is 'BS'. We love it when we receive an applicant's resume and it shows that he or she or it has a BS degree. After all, since we don't exist, we BS all day long, so it's always good to see that an applicant has experience in what they'll be doing for their time here, and probably for the rest of their life.
Random fact of the day: Did you know that some birds can see more colors than we can? Some can see in the ultraviolet range. We read this article entitled "Blue tits are ultraviolet tits" (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1688906/), wherein we discovered that blue tits can see ultraviolet colors. We also discovered that tits are actually birds, and that whenever we asked someone to show us her tits, we were actually asking to see her bird collection. Oh, the things you learn! In any case, some birds see according to a four color model, whereas most humans see according to a three color (RGB) model. Of course, we here at the Admissions Office can only see one color, and that color is death. But, of course, we could probably see ultraviolet colors if we really wanted to. We are confident that we are smarter than most tits, and hence we should be able to see more things than they see. Indeed, we are imagining what ultraviolet looks like right now. It's quite pretty. You should probably take a look at an ultraviolet tit sometime.
As always, send us questions and emails at brown.university.school.of.law@gmail.com, and visit our Facebook. We here at the Admissions Office neither have a face, nor any books, so perhaps it seems strange that we might have a Facebook, but we, in fact, do. In any event, we expect to have another post up again sometime next week.
Ultravioletly yours,
The Admissions Team
Recently, it has come to our attention that the following adjectives have been used to describe the job prospects in today's job market: "bleak", "disastrous", "not so good", "frappuccino", and "terrible". In our opinion, this indicates that perhaps it is hard for people to obtain jobs nowadays, and this perhaps might be worrisome to you, our potential applicants. Some of you have asked what kinds of jobs BS Law graduates go on to obtain, and how our students fare in todays legal market--these are very natural worries. However, we are very pleased to report that our students do quite well in this area, and we can happily say that no student of ours has ever gone on to be employed, ever. We used the word 'ever' twice in that sentence for emphasis. That's right--a degree from BS Law will ensure that you will never have to work a job ever again in your life. After all, why would you want to? Jobs are hard work, especially ones in the field of law, and, really, who wants to work hard? Certainly not us.
We are quite proud of our 0% employment rate 9 months after graduation. We recently read that Stanford's rate was a godawful 99%. At first we were quite excited to hear that at least 1% had managed to escape the dreadful fate of working a job and pursuing a career, but then we found out that that 1% was comprised of some student going on to pursue a further graduate degree. We feel very sorry for their students, seeing as it looks like all of them eventually go on to work for a living. Fortunately, our students aren't confined to such worldly trappings as jobs, and they manage to get on quite well without jobs. Of course, in order to remain jobless, sometimes they have to give up certain things--for example, eating. We know that some of our graduates have given up eating because "it was too expensive", and we applaud such ingenuity. We have heard that a human being can survive for weeks without food; however, Brown Law graduates push such natural boundaries to the limit. We are 95% certain that, if you give up eating, you will manage to survive for the rest of your life.
Eating is one of those activities that is terribly overrated. We mean, seriously, who eats? It's an expensive habit to maintain, and we've heard that an overdose of food can sometimes result in death. In other cases, it results in obesity, diabetes, rabies, babies, and more death. We have also heard of a disease called "diabeetus". Thank you Mr. Wilford Brimley for enlightening us about that. At any rate, all of this just proves that eating is problematic and, if you should have to choose between eating and going to Brown Law, we obviously think you should go to Brown Law. It's better than eating.
We ourselves eat as little as we can. Indeed, we eat as little as 3-5 meals a day, including breakfast, lunch, dinner, second dinner, and random meal time. However, between meals, we are perfectly pleased to report that we are both totally vegan and non-eaters, excepting moments when we snack on things which include food and other non-vegan items. We have heard that being vegan can grant one psychic powers, and we are quite excited at the prospect of that. They have not yet sunk in, but we're sure that those will kick in soon. We begin every morning by attempting to bend spoons with our mind as we eat our bacon flavored cereal.
So, back to employment opportunities for Brown Law graduates. There are none, seeing as Brown Law is a school that is so good that it is above existence. Recent, non-existent Brown Law graduates have raved about the school, saying such things as, "No place will hire me with this shitty degree," and "Would you like fries with that?" The Brown University School of Law simply dominates the market of shitty degrees and fries, and that's a fact we're proud of.
Or do we? It has come to our attention that some colleges award a degree some people try to call a "Bachelor of Science". Of course, we here at Brown Law know bullshit when we see it, and we also know that the abbreviation for that word is 'BS'. We love it when we receive an applicant's resume and it shows that he or she or it has a BS degree. After all, since we don't exist, we BS all day long, so it's always good to see that an applicant has experience in what they'll be doing for their time here, and probably for the rest of their life.
Random fact of the day: Did you know that some birds can see more colors than we can? Some can see in the ultraviolet range. We read this article entitled "Blue tits are ultraviolet tits" (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1688906/), wherein we discovered that blue tits can see ultraviolet colors. We also discovered that tits are actually birds, and that whenever we asked someone to show us her tits, we were actually asking to see her bird collection. Oh, the things you learn! In any case, some birds see according to a four color model, whereas most humans see according to a three color (RGB) model. Of course, we here at the Admissions Office can only see one color, and that color is death. But, of course, we could probably see ultraviolet colors if we really wanted to. We are confident that we are smarter than most tits, and hence we should be able to see more things than they see. Indeed, we are imagining what ultraviolet looks like right now. It's quite pretty. You should probably take a look at an ultraviolet tit sometime.
As always, send us questions and emails at brown.university.school.of.law@gmail.com, and visit our Facebook. We here at the Admissions Office neither have a face, nor any books, so perhaps it seems strange that we might have a Facebook, but we, in fact, do. In any event, we expect to have another post up again sometime next week.
Ultravioletly yours,
The Admissions Team
Friday, June 17, 2011
Lots of Money from the UN!
Dear Happy Reader,
Today is very much a good day for us, for we received a very exciting piece of news in our inbox today. First, we seem to be growing in popularity, seeing as we have been getting more emails lately, including invitations to join clubs and such. One email from a club even promised that it could turn us into a "throbbing" member. We are not entirely sure what it means to say that a club's members are throbbing, but we assume that this is a good thing, and we are assured that this will come to us via means of "natural enhancement". We here at Brown Law love nature very much, and we suspect that we should love enhanced nature even better. How very exciting!
But, in addition to joining the said club, we also received news that we are now billionaires. That is correct--billionaires! This is even more exciting than joining a club full of throbbing members. In the email, it stated that we have been "awarded a total sum of £1,450,000.00 GBP by the United Nations Funds Relief Organization". Of course it sounds redundant to say "£1,450,000.00 GBP", for the £ means British pounds, just as GBP does, so we are hoping that they are awarding us twice that amount, which would be almost three times our daily operating expenses here at Brown Law. They are planning on sending us a Mastercard with that sum on it, to be redeemed at "any ATM Stand or cash point location worldwide". We are not sure what a cash point location is, but we are looking forward to finding out. Upon hearing this great news, we immediately forwarded them all of our requested personal details, which we have written here for your information:
1. Valid Delivery Address.
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
1st Brown St.
Brown City, VT 00637
2. Full Names.
The Brown University School of Law Admissions Team
3. Phone Number.
67
Now, we may have waffled on the phone number, and we are not entirely sure that Brown Law has a zip code, but, if it did, it would definitely be something like 00637. We are quite certain that we got number 2 correct, which means, if this were a quiz, we are guaranteed to have a grade no lower than an F. This is the grade all students receive for every Brown Law course, so we consider ourselves quite content to receive an F. We also request that everyone send an email to Dr. Anderson, our contact person at the UN, at u.nations@yahoo.com to thank him for his generous support. We have already established a scholarship fund in his honor that will pay all of one lucky student's tuition for two whole weeks. It is also quite refreshing to see that the UN uses a Yahoo email account, which means that they do not have to waste international resources on maintaining a legitimate email address server that bears the UN name on it. We here at Brown Law opt to use Gmail, seeing as Gmail is superior to Yahoo, and we also are not drawn into watching clips on how monkeys open bananas from the bottom, or into some incredibly riveting thing found in Yahoo Answers. We all know that Yahoo Answers is filled with interesting and knowledgeable experts, and, back when we were in high school, we would put all of our physics homework questions on there. We were always pleased with expert answers including such statements as "I don't know", "Good luck", and "Do your own damn homework you homo". We do not know what a "homo" is, but we figure it is a term of endearment, and so we put in an edit to call that person a "homo" too, so that they would know that we reciprocated their emotions. We almost passed physics that year as a result of Yahoo Answers, and we cannot recommend it enough.
Well, we have updated two days in a row, which is quite exciting too. We cannot wait to hear back from Dr. Anderson, and we are looking forward to seeing the Dr. Anderson Scholarship be awarded. Also, feel free to email us at Brown.University.School.of.Law@gmail.com. We always love to read fan mail. We can also add you to our list to notify you of new posts. Our next post should be within the next week or so. So, until then, adieu!
Dichotomously yours,
The Admissions Team
Today is very much a good day for us, for we received a very exciting piece of news in our inbox today. First, we seem to be growing in popularity, seeing as we have been getting more emails lately, including invitations to join clubs and such. One email from a club even promised that it could turn us into a "throbbing" member. We are not entirely sure what it means to say that a club's members are throbbing, but we assume that this is a good thing, and we are assured that this will come to us via means of "natural enhancement". We here at Brown Law love nature very much, and we suspect that we should love enhanced nature even better. How very exciting!
But, in addition to joining the said club, we also received news that we are now billionaires. That is correct--billionaires! This is even more exciting than joining a club full of throbbing members. In the email, it stated that we have been "awarded a total sum of £1,450,000.00 GBP by the United Nations Funds Relief Organization". Of course it sounds redundant to say "£1,450,000.00 GBP", for the £ means British pounds, just as GBP does, so we are hoping that they are awarding us twice that amount, which would be almost three times our daily operating expenses here at Brown Law. They are planning on sending us a Mastercard with that sum on it, to be redeemed at "any ATM Stand or cash point location worldwide". We are not sure what a cash point location is, but we are looking forward to finding out. Upon hearing this great news, we immediately forwarded them all of our requested personal details, which we have written here for your information:
1. Valid Delivery Address.
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
1st Brown St.
Brown City, VT 00637
2. Full Names.
The Brown University School of Law Admissions Team
3. Phone Number.
67
Now, we may have waffled on the phone number, and we are not entirely sure that Brown Law has a zip code, but, if it did, it would definitely be something like 00637. We are quite certain that we got number 2 correct, which means, if this were a quiz, we are guaranteed to have a grade no lower than an F. This is the grade all students receive for every Brown Law course, so we consider ourselves quite content to receive an F. We also request that everyone send an email to Dr. Anderson, our contact person at the UN, at u.nations@yahoo.com to thank him for his generous support. We have already established a scholarship fund in his honor that will pay all of one lucky student's tuition for two whole weeks. It is also quite refreshing to see that the UN uses a Yahoo email account, which means that they do not have to waste international resources on maintaining a legitimate email address server that bears the UN name on it. We here at Brown Law opt to use Gmail, seeing as Gmail is superior to Yahoo, and we also are not drawn into watching clips on how monkeys open bananas from the bottom, or into some incredibly riveting thing found in Yahoo Answers. We all know that Yahoo Answers is filled with interesting and knowledgeable experts, and, back when we were in high school, we would put all of our physics homework questions on there. We were always pleased with expert answers including such statements as "I don't know", "Good luck", and "Do your own damn homework you homo". We do not know what a "homo" is, but we figure it is a term of endearment, and so we put in an edit to call that person a "homo" too, so that they would know that we reciprocated their emotions. We almost passed physics that year as a result of Yahoo Answers, and we cannot recommend it enough.
Well, we have updated two days in a row, which is quite exciting too. We cannot wait to hear back from Dr. Anderson, and we are looking forward to seeing the Dr. Anderson Scholarship be awarded. Also, feel free to email us at Brown.University.School.of.Law@gmail.com. We always love to read fan mail. We can also add you to our list to notify you of new posts. Our next post should be within the next week or so. So, until then, adieu!
Dichotomously yours,
The Admissions Team
Thursday, June 16, 2011
We Are Not a 5 Year Old Girl
Dear All My Imaginary Friends,
Alas, where has the time gone? It sure does fly by when you don't exist. It's been about 2 months since our last post, and it only feels like it has been 4. We have been terribly busy not admitting students and engaging in unicorn jousting, and hence we have not had much time to write. We also entered into a coma after jumping out of a window of a seven story building. No need to worry about our health though, as we have regained consciousness, and the window was only on the first floor. Whatever emotional trauma we may still be experiencing from the event shall remain, like all good, American emotions, healthily repressed, and will not be featured further in this blog.
Now, we here at the Brown University School of Law like to keep our fans and applicants aware of the facts about our school. We know you come here to find the facts, and we want to give them to you. We know you want to find out how to get into BS Law, to know how we separate the weak from the wuss, and this is the place you will find out how we are not able to do that.
That is correct--we do not separate the weak from the wuss, because an ability to do so would require us to be able to discriminate between applicants, and we all know that discrimination is wrong. We know that some applicants to Brown Law are real, while others are imaginary. Some are even as complex as 3+4i. Here in the Admissions Office, we strive for fairness, and, in the interest of fairness, we treat our applicants as a single collective entity rather than as a set of distinct and separate persons. It is as though all of you were parts of a single body. Should you like it if we simply talked to your spleen, rather than to you as a whole person? We should think not, for a spleen is only part of a greater whole. Furthermore, we are somewhere between 85 and 90 percent sure that spleens do not have ears, and therefore it would be a futile effort anyway. We are aware that our pool of applicants reflects a great diversity of races, religions, ages, and species, and we also are aware that the best way to recognize diversity is by refusing to recognize it at all, and that is what we here at the Brown Law Admissions Team strive for. Also, treating everyone as a collective entity makes it easier for us when we drop files, seeing as we do not need to concern ourselves with ensuring that each paper gets returned to its original folder. We here at Brown Law drop things often.
As always, we ask that you come back here often, seeing as we update frequently, maybe once or twice every couple of months. However, we will actually update much more frequently during the next month or two, seeing as Google has offered us $75 in free advertising. Originally the offer was for $100, but we were lazy and procrastinated. We are also now otherwise unemployed, and when one is unemployed, one has much more time to make up facts and write blogs such as this one. Did you know, jaguars can reproduce with iguanas? We once saw a jaguar mount an iguana, yes we did. Also, unicorn jousting is the official sport of Brown Law. If you cannot tell, we like unicorns, as they are sparkly and one can train them to crap out one's name in rainbows. We call ours Sugarplum. We should also like to assert that we are not a 5 year old girl. It has been made known to us that 5 year old girls also tend to like unicorns, and we are most assuredly not that. Although we have imagined what it might be like to be a 5 year old girl, and it was quite magical.
In any case, we should also like to remind you that we have a Facebook page, which you should like, and that we like bacon. American bacon, that is, since Canadian bacon is what we call ham. We like that too, only not as much. And, while we are on the topic, we should have another post up by next week.
Tectonically yours,
The Brown Law Admissions Team
Alas, where has the time gone? It sure does fly by when you don't exist. It's been about 2 months since our last post, and it only feels like it has been 4. We have been terribly busy not admitting students and engaging in unicorn jousting, and hence we have not had much time to write. We also entered into a coma after jumping out of a window of a seven story building. No need to worry about our health though, as we have regained consciousness, and the window was only on the first floor. Whatever emotional trauma we may still be experiencing from the event shall remain, like all good, American emotions, healthily repressed, and will not be featured further in this blog.
Now, we here at the Brown University School of Law like to keep our fans and applicants aware of the facts about our school. We know you come here to find the facts, and we want to give them to you. We know you want to find out how to get into BS Law, to know how we separate the weak from the wuss, and this is the place you will find out how we are not able to do that.
That is correct--we do not separate the weak from the wuss, because an ability to do so would require us to be able to discriminate between applicants, and we all know that discrimination is wrong. We know that some applicants to Brown Law are real, while others are imaginary. Some are even as complex as 3+4i. Here in the Admissions Office, we strive for fairness, and, in the interest of fairness, we treat our applicants as a single collective entity rather than as a set of distinct and separate persons. It is as though all of you were parts of a single body. Should you like it if we simply talked to your spleen, rather than to you as a whole person? We should think not, for a spleen is only part of a greater whole. Furthermore, we are somewhere between 85 and 90 percent sure that spleens do not have ears, and therefore it would be a futile effort anyway. We are aware that our pool of applicants reflects a great diversity of races, religions, ages, and species, and we also are aware that the best way to recognize diversity is by refusing to recognize it at all, and that is what we here at the Brown Law Admissions Team strive for. Also, treating everyone as a collective entity makes it easier for us when we drop files, seeing as we do not need to concern ourselves with ensuring that each paper gets returned to its original folder. We here at Brown Law drop things often.
As always, we ask that you come back here often, seeing as we update frequently, maybe once or twice every couple of months. However, we will actually update much more frequently during the next month or two, seeing as Google has offered us $75 in free advertising. Originally the offer was for $100, but we were lazy and procrastinated. We are also now otherwise unemployed, and when one is unemployed, one has much more time to make up facts and write blogs such as this one. Did you know, jaguars can reproduce with iguanas? We once saw a jaguar mount an iguana, yes we did. Also, unicorn jousting is the official sport of Brown Law. If you cannot tell, we like unicorns, as they are sparkly and one can train them to crap out one's name in rainbows. We call ours Sugarplum. We should also like to assert that we are not a 5 year old girl. It has been made known to us that 5 year old girls also tend to like unicorns, and we are most assuredly not that. Although we have imagined what it might be like to be a 5 year old girl, and it was quite magical.
In any case, we should also like to remind you that we have a Facebook page, which you should like, and that we like bacon. American bacon, that is, since Canadian bacon is what we call ham. We like that too, only not as much. And, while we are on the topic, we should have another post up by next week.
Tectonically yours,
The Brown Law Admissions Team
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Admissions, admissions, admissions...
Hello all,
So, it's been a little while since our last post. We here at the Brown University School of Law's Admissions Office have been terribly busy evaluating the overwhelming number of applications we have received this year, and hence haven't had much time to blog lately. Brown Law had a record-breaking number of applicants this admissions season--zero, in total--and it takes quite a bit of time to sift through that many applications to find those few, nonexistent gems that will ultimately merit an offer of admission from us. So many of these applicants are incredibly well qualified, and we had to make a few tough, absolutely heart-wrenching decisions this year about who we should admit and who we should reject. Some of us cried, some of us held it in, but, let me assure you, we all had strong feelings concerning the applications this year. Of course, we all didn't agree on each decision--which may have led to some unnecessarily hostile actions within the Admissions Office--but we all are in agreement that next year's class will be truly spectacular, and we're sure it will be the envy of such slightly less well-known schools as Harvard and Yale.
Now, I'm sure you all are dying to know Brown Law's admissions statistics this year, since we've completed evaluating all our applications. Out of that incredible number applications mentioned earlier, we've admitted a grand total of zero students (all of whom we expect shall matriculate). Of course, in the unlikely event that some of those applicants elect not to come to Brown Law, we chose to arbitrarily waitlist a reasonable number of our most impressive applicants. These candidates are certainly of equal caliber to those we admitted, but, for no particularly identifiable reason or another, were chosen to be put on our unranked waitlist rather than be admitted to the law school. We informed them how well-qualified they were, how much we would like to admit them to our school, and how much we would like to see them at our law school next year, but we are just simply unable to admit them at this point in time for X invented-reason-beyond-their-control. Indeed, some of those decisions were so hard, that, between our tears, we may have let a few typos slip by in those waitlist offers. Of course, the same might be true of our admission letters, since we were generally crying out of joy then. And, to all none of you that were rejected from us, well, we never really considered you as anything more than a statistic anyway. So all of those letters were remarkably poorly written pieces of overtly condescending literature. Isn't that about the best you can expect when you put together a shitty application?
However, we here at Brown Law are an inventive bunch, and so we do more than just admit, waitlist, and reject students. We also have a waitlist for our waitlist, and a secret group within the first waitlist just for special people, and a super secret special group in that already secret group for the really special people. However, we were recently informed this year that Georgetown also maintains a somewhat similar and equally nonsensical waitlist structure, and so we had to step it up a notch. We elected to invent a decision of "hold", whereby we merely decide not to make a decision and just hold a candidate's application for an indeterminate amount of time while we look at other applications. Of course, physically holding the applicant's file while we look at other files is really difficult, so what this status really means is that we shove the applicant's file into a hidden spot and just generally forget about them. However, again we find ourselves mimicked by another university--Harvard, of all places. So, in the spirit of inventiveness, we are pleased to announce that, in addition to our multiple, subdivided unranked waitlists and the decision of "hold", we have come up with the following new decision statuses: "consideration of file deferred until next year", "file indefinitely undecidable", "application not looked at and never will be", "application undecided but no longer under consideration because we spilled coffee on it and can no longer read it", and "file destroyed by fire because the applicant was so bad".
As you can see, Brown Law is really on the cutting edge of admissions technology. We fully expect that all these decision types will be ripped off next year and applied by every law school, from Harvard right down to the Thomas M. Cooley School of Law (which, apparently, is a descent of only one spot in the Cooley ranking system). This is why Brown Law is always on top--we create the future, and we decide the future, and our future is now. And, by now, we mean in the future.
Well, I think that's all for now. Now all we need to do is create a few new Gmail accounts and shamelessly self-promote on the TLS forums. We need to create new accounts because we get permanently banned on TLS whenever we do this. But this does not stop us, no. For where else would we find readers? Also, please visit our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Brown-University-School-of-Law/113180462092231?sk=wall. Become a fan! Write nonsense on our wall! Because that's how we do things at Brown Law. So, until next time (which hopefully won't be so long in the coming as this time)!
Postulatively yours,
The Brown Law Admissions Team
So, it's been a little while since our last post. We here at the Brown University School of Law's Admissions Office have been terribly busy evaluating the overwhelming number of applications we have received this year, and hence haven't had much time to blog lately. Brown Law had a record-breaking number of applicants this admissions season--zero, in total--and it takes quite a bit of time to sift through that many applications to find those few, nonexistent gems that will ultimately merit an offer of admission from us. So many of these applicants are incredibly well qualified, and we had to make a few tough, absolutely heart-wrenching decisions this year about who we should admit and who we should reject. Some of us cried, some of us held it in, but, let me assure you, we all had strong feelings concerning the applications this year. Of course, we all didn't agree on each decision--which may have led to some unnecessarily hostile actions within the Admissions Office--but we all are in agreement that next year's class will be truly spectacular, and we're sure it will be the envy of such slightly less well-known schools as Harvard and Yale.
Now, I'm sure you all are dying to know Brown Law's admissions statistics this year, since we've completed evaluating all our applications. Out of that incredible number applications mentioned earlier, we've admitted a grand total of zero students (all of whom we expect shall matriculate). Of course, in the unlikely event that some of those applicants elect not to come to Brown Law, we chose to arbitrarily waitlist a reasonable number of our most impressive applicants. These candidates are certainly of equal caliber to those we admitted, but, for no particularly identifiable reason or another, were chosen to be put on our unranked waitlist rather than be admitted to the law school. We informed them how well-qualified they were, how much we would like to admit them to our school, and how much we would like to see them at our law school next year, but we are just simply unable to admit them at this point in time for X invented-reason-beyond-their-control. Indeed, some of those decisions were so hard, that, between our tears, we may have let a few typos slip by in those waitlist offers. Of course, the same might be true of our admission letters, since we were generally crying out of joy then. And, to all none of you that were rejected from us, well, we never really considered you as anything more than a statistic anyway. So all of those letters were remarkably poorly written pieces of overtly condescending literature. Isn't that about the best you can expect when you put together a shitty application?
However, we here at Brown Law are an inventive bunch, and so we do more than just admit, waitlist, and reject students. We also have a waitlist for our waitlist, and a secret group within the first waitlist just for special people, and a super secret special group in that already secret group for the really special people. However, we were recently informed this year that Georgetown also maintains a somewhat similar and equally nonsensical waitlist structure, and so we had to step it up a notch. We elected to invent a decision of "hold", whereby we merely decide not to make a decision and just hold a candidate's application for an indeterminate amount of time while we look at other applications. Of course, physically holding the applicant's file while we look at other files is really difficult, so what this status really means is that we shove the applicant's file into a hidden spot and just generally forget about them. However, again we find ourselves mimicked by another university--Harvard, of all places. So, in the spirit of inventiveness, we are pleased to announce that, in addition to our multiple, subdivided unranked waitlists and the decision of "hold", we have come up with the following new decision statuses: "consideration of file deferred until next year", "file indefinitely undecidable", "application not looked at and never will be", "application undecided but no longer under consideration because we spilled coffee on it and can no longer read it", and "file destroyed by fire because the applicant was so bad".
As you can see, Brown Law is really on the cutting edge of admissions technology. We fully expect that all these decision types will be ripped off next year and applied by every law school, from Harvard right down to the Thomas M. Cooley School of Law (which, apparently, is a descent of only one spot in the Cooley ranking system). This is why Brown Law is always on top--we create the future, and we decide the future, and our future is now. And, by now, we mean in the future.
Well, I think that's all for now. Now all we need to do is create a few new Gmail accounts and shamelessly self-promote on the TLS forums. We need to create new accounts because we get permanently banned on TLS whenever we do this. But this does not stop us, no. For where else would we find readers? Also, please visit our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Brown-University-School-of-Law/113180462092231?sk=wall. Become a fan! Write nonsense on our wall! Because that's how we do things at Brown Law. So, until next time (which hopefully won't be so long in the coming as this time)!
Postulatively yours,
The Brown Law Admissions Team
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Scholarships and Financial Aid?
Dear Everyone, No One, and Everything in Between,
I met for an interview with a potential prospect the other day to discuss his application, and, somewhere in the middle of it, the roles of 'interviewer' and 'interviewee' got confused. I'm pretty sure that I was supposed to be the one asking the questions, seeing as this student was applying to Brown Law and I wanted to know whether he was worthy, but, by the end, it really seemed like he was the one that was in charge of the interview. It's a little embarrassing when something like that happens, but, all in all, I thought that he asked some good questions that I thought might be of interest to all you potential rejects out there, and so I'm going to share them with you. Now, I myself am actually unable to distinguish between qualities such as 'good' and 'bad', and so I'm just going to present you with all the questions I can remember and let you sort them out for yourself.
So, one of the first questions the interviewee asked me was where exactly the Brown School of Law is at. I thought this was pretty obvious; clearly the name suggests it's in Brown University. The applicant then proceeded to ask me where Brown University was located, and, much to my dismay, I realized that I forgot where the school is located. Or, perhaps, I just never knew where the school was in the first place (which is certainly a possibility). I took a bite of my Twix bar, and then thought about where the other Ivy League schools were located. Princeton, for example, is located in the town of Princeton, NJ. The University of Pennsylvania is in Pennsylvania, PA, Columbia is in NYC (which, I believe, stands for New York's Columbus--every state, after all, has a city of Columbus), and Stanford is in Stanford, CA. I think, but am not 100% sure, that the University of Chicago is in Chicago, but I know that Harvard is something of an outlier in this trend, since it's located in Cambridge, arguably the premier university of the UK. But, apart from that, it seemed like all the Ivy League schools are named after the city they're in. And, so I concluded, Brown University must be located in Brown City, Vermont. I'm a little iffy on the state, considering I picked it at random, but I announced it with confidence and the student wrote it down, which I took to be a favorable sign that I was in the right. Whew!
The prospect then asked me what sex I was. I opened my mouth, but no answer automatically came out, so I shut it, paused for a second, and then dug around in my pants for a bit, in search of the answer. The student looked a little awkward when I began to do this, and, much to my dismay, I was unable to find sufficient evidence to suggest an answer one way or the other after about 30 seconds of looking. My eyes shifted around uncomfortably, I coughed, muttered something offensive about his mother under my breath, and then waved the question off. It probably wasn't relevant to anything anyway. And then the student asked, after an extended moment of silence, whether or not BS Law had any scholarships or financial aid.
Finally! A question I definitely knew the answer to! I gasped a sigh of relief, and then announced that Brown Law has a very robust scholarship and financial aid program, based upon both need and merit. I said that, out of any law school, Brown's tuition is the most affordable even without aid, since the tuition is as existent as the school. Furthermore, every student who applies to Brown Law is considered for full- and half-tuition scholarships, and will likely receive notification of their award well before their admissions decision. This, of course, is the opposite of what usually happens at other law schools, who admit first and then consider the applicant for scholarships. Indeed, some have even told me that this is akin to putting the cart in front of the horse. I say, what's wrong with that? Why shouldn't the cart be in front of the horse? I don't know about you, but I always find things easier to move if I push rather than pull, and so, if I were a horse (which I am not), I'd be damn happy to have the cart in front of me, thank you very much. And, in any given year, we're likely to award more scholarships than offers of admission, so it makes sense to do it this way anyways.
In addition to our scholarships, we have a Matching Scholarship Program as well. Berkeley, as most of you are aware, has such a program, where if you receive a scholarship at some other T14 school (except, arbitrarily, Northwestern), they will give you a matching offer. However, our Program is much better, since we will not only match the scholarship offers of our peer schools, but we will also double the offer, relative to the percent of tuition it covers. Thus, if you receive one of Harvard's numerous full tuition merit scholarships, we will offer you a scholarship that is two times full tuition at Brown Law. Chicago offers you half tuition? We'll make it full tuition. What if the scholarship includes a stipend? Well, we'll actually triple that amount, multiply it by 0, and then award you a stipend of the resulting number. What more could you ask for? I believe that it is safe to say that Brown Law has the best scholarship program out of any school.
After that question, I was very pleased with myself for definitely getting one right, and so I thought that it was an appropriate time to conclude the interview. The applicant seemed happy, I was happy, it seemed like a good ending. I thanked him for coming and said that I looked forward to reviewing his application. I then offered my hand for a handshake and then, much to my surprise, he refused to shake my hand. He just left me hanging, right there, with my hand reaching over my desk in my very own office! He looked at my hand as though it were unclean. The nerve of that kid! He had no problem shaking my hand at the beginning of it all--what, did my hand somehow become sullied during the course of the interview? Such audacity is unbecoming in an applicant, or anyone, for that matter. After that awkward moment, I sat down at my desk, he left the room, and I pulled out his file and a sharpie and wrote, in big capital letters, REJECTED, APPLICANT IS A PRETENTIOUS SNOB AND DOES NOT WANT A HAPPY ENDING TO HIS INTERVIEWS. Let that be a lesson--the way into Brown Law does not include snubbing an Admissions Officer at the end of an interview. Or, really, ever. I am most peeved by this, and I believe that the next few applications I look at will be really quick rejects as a result.
Well, folks, that's it for today. Be sure to check back with us often, and also become a fan of us on Facebook. Send any questions to Brown.University.School.of.Law@gmail.com, or just post them right there in the comment box. Tell your friends, your parents, your cat about us. Until next time!
Apoplectically yours,
The Admissions Team
I met for an interview with a potential prospect the other day to discuss his application, and, somewhere in the middle of it, the roles of 'interviewer' and 'interviewee' got confused. I'm pretty sure that I was supposed to be the one asking the questions, seeing as this student was applying to Brown Law and I wanted to know whether he was worthy, but, by the end, it really seemed like he was the one that was in charge of the interview. It's a little embarrassing when something like that happens, but, all in all, I thought that he asked some good questions that I thought might be of interest to all you potential rejects out there, and so I'm going to share them with you. Now, I myself am actually unable to distinguish between qualities such as 'good' and 'bad', and so I'm just going to present you with all the questions I can remember and let you sort them out for yourself.
So, one of the first questions the interviewee asked me was where exactly the Brown School of Law is at. I thought this was pretty obvious; clearly the name suggests it's in Brown University. The applicant then proceeded to ask me where Brown University was located, and, much to my dismay, I realized that I forgot where the school is located. Or, perhaps, I just never knew where the school was in the first place (which is certainly a possibility). I took a bite of my Twix bar, and then thought about where the other Ivy League schools were located. Princeton, for example, is located in the town of Princeton, NJ. The University of Pennsylvania is in Pennsylvania, PA, Columbia is in NYC (which, I believe, stands for New York's Columbus--every state, after all, has a city of Columbus), and Stanford is in Stanford, CA. I think, but am not 100% sure, that the University of Chicago is in Chicago, but I know that Harvard is something of an outlier in this trend, since it's located in Cambridge, arguably the premier university of the UK. But, apart from that, it seemed like all the Ivy League schools are named after the city they're in. And, so I concluded, Brown University must be located in Brown City, Vermont. I'm a little iffy on the state, considering I picked it at random, but I announced it with confidence and the student wrote it down, which I took to be a favorable sign that I was in the right. Whew!
The prospect then asked me what sex I was. I opened my mouth, but no answer automatically came out, so I shut it, paused for a second, and then dug around in my pants for a bit, in search of the answer. The student looked a little awkward when I began to do this, and, much to my dismay, I was unable to find sufficient evidence to suggest an answer one way or the other after about 30 seconds of looking. My eyes shifted around uncomfortably, I coughed, muttered something offensive about his mother under my breath, and then waved the question off. It probably wasn't relevant to anything anyway. And then the student asked, after an extended moment of silence, whether or not BS Law had any scholarships or financial aid.
Finally! A question I definitely knew the answer to! I gasped a sigh of relief, and then announced that Brown Law has a very robust scholarship and financial aid program, based upon both need and merit. I said that, out of any law school, Brown's tuition is the most affordable even without aid, since the tuition is as existent as the school. Furthermore, every student who applies to Brown Law is considered for full- and half-tuition scholarships, and will likely receive notification of their award well before their admissions decision. This, of course, is the opposite of what usually happens at other law schools, who admit first and then consider the applicant for scholarships. Indeed, some have even told me that this is akin to putting the cart in front of the horse. I say, what's wrong with that? Why shouldn't the cart be in front of the horse? I don't know about you, but I always find things easier to move if I push rather than pull, and so, if I were a horse (which I am not), I'd be damn happy to have the cart in front of me, thank you very much. And, in any given year, we're likely to award more scholarships than offers of admission, so it makes sense to do it this way anyways.
In addition to our scholarships, we have a Matching Scholarship Program as well. Berkeley, as most of you are aware, has such a program, where if you receive a scholarship at some other T14 school (except, arbitrarily, Northwestern), they will give you a matching offer. However, our Program is much better, since we will not only match the scholarship offers of our peer schools, but we will also double the offer, relative to the percent of tuition it covers. Thus, if you receive one of Harvard's numerous full tuition merit scholarships, we will offer you a scholarship that is two times full tuition at Brown Law. Chicago offers you half tuition? We'll make it full tuition. What if the scholarship includes a stipend? Well, we'll actually triple that amount, multiply it by 0, and then award you a stipend of the resulting number. What more could you ask for? I believe that it is safe to say that Brown Law has the best scholarship program out of any school.
After that question, I was very pleased with myself for definitely getting one right, and so I thought that it was an appropriate time to conclude the interview. The applicant seemed happy, I was happy, it seemed like a good ending. I thanked him for coming and said that I looked forward to reviewing his application. I then offered my hand for a handshake and then, much to my surprise, he refused to shake my hand. He just left me hanging, right there, with my hand reaching over my desk in my very own office! He looked at my hand as though it were unclean. The nerve of that kid! He had no problem shaking my hand at the beginning of it all--what, did my hand somehow become sullied during the course of the interview? Such audacity is unbecoming in an applicant, or anyone, for that matter. After that awkward moment, I sat down at my desk, he left the room, and I pulled out his file and a sharpie and wrote, in big capital letters, REJECTED, APPLICANT IS A PRETENTIOUS SNOB AND DOES NOT WANT A HAPPY ENDING TO HIS INTERVIEWS. Let that be a lesson--the way into Brown Law does not include snubbing an Admissions Officer at the end of an interview. Or, really, ever. I am most peeved by this, and I believe that the next few applications I look at will be really quick rejects as a result.
Well, folks, that's it for today. Be sure to check back with us often, and also become a fan of us on Facebook. Send any questions to Brown.University.School.of.Law@gmail.com, or just post them right there in the comment box. Tell your friends, your parents, your cat about us. Until next time!
Apoplectically yours,
The Admissions Team
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
A Post-Modern Approach to a Legal Education
Dear applicants, fellows, friends, and other things we don't have,
We here at the Brown School of Law (or, as our students affectionately term it, BS Law) take great pride in the way we teach things. Always on the cutting edge of innovative teaching, the faculty here at Brown Law have really embraced the idea of post-modernism. Indeed, we are the #1 place to go if you want a post-modern approach to legal teaching. No other school does it like we do, because the way we do it is by not doing it at all (whatever the 'it' in that sentence referred to). Plain and simple, the best way to learn something has always been by divine inspiration, and that's what we strive for here at Brown Law. We don't offer "real world" experiences, legal clinics, or any other such nonsense. No, the only way a Brown Law student can take any knowledge away from our school at all is if God or some random act of the universe gave it to him--because, rest assured, our faculty is renowned for not teaching anything.
Do you want to practice law? Then, chances are, Brown Law is not the place for you. We offer legal concentrations ranging from nothing to more nothing, and recent course listings have included nothing. Indeed, even Much Ado About Nothing is much too much for one of our courses. You will learn nothing about the legal system or legal practice in general, and the only experience you'll get is a brush with nonexistence. However, don't let the course listings and all that fool you; Brown Law is not an easy school, by any means. We have a very special grading system here, and we think it's a major step up from the Pass/Fail/Honors nonsense going on at Yale. We eliminated the superfluous grades in that system, and so the only grade a student can get is an F. In this respect, we're pretty similar to Harvard.
I recently had a potential applicant ask me a question about what kind of students attend BS Law. This question gave me some difficulty, because, well, it's pretty darn hard to predicate anything of a nonexistent entity. But, if pressed, I would say that they're a pretty nebulous bunch. Some might say that they're careless, because they lack the capacity for caring, but I prefer the word insouciant. They're also entirely selfless, which is a virtue, I am told, and they're also pretty open-minded, seeing as their brains extend beyond the realm of the living and the physical. As such, our students are pretty much above any law, including the natural ones. Here at Brown Law, we give you license to defy the laws of gravity, and, if you so choose, you don't have to exist at any particular location in time. If you feel like you fit into that category, then I highly encourage you to apply to BS Law.
If you're interested in hearing more about Brown Law, you can check out our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Brown-University-School-of-Law/113180462092231?sk=info. Become a fan, write nonsense on our wall, we love it all. We'll also keep you guys up to date here on our blog, so come back often! Post questions you have for us in the comments, or you can email us at Brown.University.School.of.Law@gmail.com. You can also pray to us, although there's no guarantee that we'll answer any of those (after all, we have countless students praying to get into BS Law all the time!). Also, while I am not allowed to tell you to click on the ads on the side, I can insinuate that I might like it if you did. We hope to hear from you!
Diatonically yours,
The Admissions Team
We here at the Brown School of Law (or, as our students affectionately term it, BS Law) take great pride in the way we teach things. Always on the cutting edge of innovative teaching, the faculty here at Brown Law have really embraced the idea of post-modernism. Indeed, we are the #1 place to go if you want a post-modern approach to legal teaching. No other school does it like we do, because the way we do it is by not doing it at all (whatever the 'it' in that sentence referred to). Plain and simple, the best way to learn something has always been by divine inspiration, and that's what we strive for here at Brown Law. We don't offer "real world" experiences, legal clinics, or any other such nonsense. No, the only way a Brown Law student can take any knowledge away from our school at all is if God or some random act of the universe gave it to him--because, rest assured, our faculty is renowned for not teaching anything.
Do you want to practice law? Then, chances are, Brown Law is not the place for you. We offer legal concentrations ranging from nothing to more nothing, and recent course listings have included nothing. Indeed, even Much Ado About Nothing is much too much for one of our courses. You will learn nothing about the legal system or legal practice in general, and the only experience you'll get is a brush with nonexistence. However, don't let the course listings and all that fool you; Brown Law is not an easy school, by any means. We have a very special grading system here, and we think it's a major step up from the Pass/Fail/Honors nonsense going on at Yale. We eliminated the superfluous grades in that system, and so the only grade a student can get is an F. In this respect, we're pretty similar to Harvard.
I recently had a potential applicant ask me a question about what kind of students attend BS Law. This question gave me some difficulty, because, well, it's pretty darn hard to predicate anything of a nonexistent entity. But, if pressed, I would say that they're a pretty nebulous bunch. Some might say that they're careless, because they lack the capacity for caring, but I prefer the word insouciant. They're also entirely selfless, which is a virtue, I am told, and they're also pretty open-minded, seeing as their brains extend beyond the realm of the living and the physical. As such, our students are pretty much above any law, including the natural ones. Here at Brown Law, we give you license to defy the laws of gravity, and, if you so choose, you don't have to exist at any particular location in time. If you feel like you fit into that category, then I highly encourage you to apply to BS Law.
If you're interested in hearing more about Brown Law, you can check out our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Brown-University-School-of-Law/113180462092231?sk=info. Become a fan, write nonsense on our wall, we love it all. We'll also keep you guys up to date here on our blog, so come back often! Post questions you have for us in the comments, or you can email us at Brown.University.School.of.Law@gmail.com. You can also pray to us, although there's no guarantee that we'll answer any of those (after all, we have countless students praying to get into BS Law all the time!). Also, while I am not allowed to tell you to click on the ads on the side, I can insinuate that I might like it if you did. We hope to hear from you!
Diatonically yours,
The Admissions Team
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Welcome to Our Blog!
Welcome, everyone, to the first post for the Brown University School of Law's blog! The Admissions Team is very excited to jump into this new publicity format, and we hope very much that our posts will offer useful guidance to potential applicants. Questions about personal statements? Want to know more about the review process? Ever curious to know what Adcoms do on their weekends and days off? All these and more will be answered in future posts! We will do our best to serve your needs!
Now, I know that most of you are familiar with Brown Law, so I won't go into much detail about us. No use in singing to the choir, right? Our ivory tower can been seen from anywhere, so graduates are free to name drop us at your next high school reunion--I'm sure your fellow classmates will be sufficiently impressed. Prestige definitely has its perks! This is at least one advantage we have over some of our peers that don't quite share our name recognition, such as the University of Chicago or NYU. Arguably, these two law schools are better than we are, since they exist while we do not, but a Brown Law grad will jump straight to the center of admiration when he announces his education credentials, whilst the Chicago grad takes 10 minutes to explain that Chicago is one of the best law schools in the country, and is not some third rate state college. Alas, the sad fate of the Chicago grad, to be among the best while nobody can immediately see it.
Brown Law has seen some good times in recent rankings. In the Buzzle "Best Law Schools in America" ranking, (http://www.buzzle.com/articles/best-law-schools-in-america.html) Brown managed to usurp the #3 title from Stanford. As the article states, we have a great law library. Not only is the library heavy in the theoretical content, the building itself is entirely a theoretical construct of one's own devising. When I think of the Brown Law Library, I think of a huge Ivory Castle suspended in midair, about ready to fall and smash the bejeezus out of Harvard at any moment. And, yes, our library has unicorns. Some of them serve as our librarians. So if you're a prepubescent girl, you should think of Brown Law as your Dream School (because that's what it is).
Oh, did I also forget to mention the prestige of our faculty? I probably did, but Princeton Review did not. They evaluated us to have the best professors! We are pleased by this, as our faculty members strive to not only think outside the box, but to exist outside the box. And, by box, I really mean the material universe. Sure, sometimes they suffer from really deep existential crises, but who hasn't questioned their existence at some point or other in their lives? We all can learn from Descartes there. In any case, here is the undoctored image showing our recent Princeton Review rating: http://blurblawg.typepad.com/files/brown-law.jpg, courtesy of Faculty Lounge (http://www.thefacultylounge.org/2010/10/princeton-review-ranking-brown-university-school-of-law-professors-are-1.html). Our professors are never dull, and there is never any boundary between professor and student. Indeed, in their nonexistence, they are one and the same. So, at Brown Law, you get to learn alongside, with, and in your professor. Take that Yale!
In any case, I hope that this blog really takes off, as I know that you potential Brown Law applicants want the "inside scoop" into the Brown Law admissions process!
Until next time, the bacon saves the eggs.
Metaphysically yours,
Brown Law Admissions Team
Now, I know that most of you are familiar with Brown Law, so I won't go into much detail about us. No use in singing to the choir, right? Our ivory tower can been seen from anywhere, so graduates are free to name drop us at your next high school reunion--I'm sure your fellow classmates will be sufficiently impressed. Prestige definitely has its perks! This is at least one advantage we have over some of our peers that don't quite share our name recognition, such as the University of Chicago or NYU. Arguably, these two law schools are better than we are, since they exist while we do not, but a Brown Law grad will jump straight to the center of admiration when he announces his education credentials, whilst the Chicago grad takes 10 minutes to explain that Chicago is one of the best law schools in the country, and is not some third rate state college. Alas, the sad fate of the Chicago grad, to be among the best while nobody can immediately see it.
Brown Law has seen some good times in recent rankings. In the Buzzle "Best Law Schools in America" ranking, (http://www.buzzle.com/articles/best-law-schools-in-america.html) Brown managed to usurp the #3 title from Stanford. As the article states, we have a great law library. Not only is the library heavy in the theoretical content, the building itself is entirely a theoretical construct of one's own devising. When I think of the Brown Law Library, I think of a huge Ivory Castle suspended in midair, about ready to fall and smash the bejeezus out of Harvard at any moment. And, yes, our library has unicorns. Some of them serve as our librarians. So if you're a prepubescent girl, you should think of Brown Law as your Dream School (because that's what it is).
Oh, did I also forget to mention the prestige of our faculty? I probably did, but Princeton Review did not. They evaluated us to have the best professors! We are pleased by this, as our faculty members strive to not only think outside the box, but to exist outside the box. And, by box, I really mean the material universe. Sure, sometimes they suffer from really deep existential crises, but who hasn't questioned their existence at some point or other in their lives? We all can learn from Descartes there. In any case, here is the undoctored image showing our recent Princeton Review rating: http://blurblawg.typepad.com/files/brown-law.jpg, courtesy of Faculty Lounge (http://www.thefacultylounge.org/2010/10/princeton-review-ranking-brown-university-school-of-law-professors-are-1.html). Our professors are never dull, and there is never any boundary between professor and student. Indeed, in their nonexistence, they are one and the same. So, at Brown Law, you get to learn alongside, with, and in your professor. Take that Yale!
In any case, I hope that this blog really takes off, as I know that you potential Brown Law applicants want the "inside scoop" into the Brown Law admissions process!
Until next time, the bacon saves the eggs.
Metaphysically yours,
Brown Law Admissions Team
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