Hello again all!
If you read my last post (that is, the one not about hyperlinks, but the one before that), then you should know that there is an ontological argument for the existence of our school. However, apparently thinking about my soul mate with blue eyes and brown hair distracts me from ontological arguments, because I never did complete the ontological argument that I was going to make.
As you know from the great scholastic Anselm, I can conceive of a perfect law school. The law school would be more perfect if it did exist than if it did not. Therefore, the perfect law school does exist, and its name is the Brown University School of Law. This kind of argumentation has no fallacies, and can be used to prove the existence of other things, such as perfect islands.
Now, at this point you may be scratching your head and saying wtf. That is what I did the first time I heard the ontological argument. Also, you may be scratching your head in wonderment of how BS Law both exists and does not exist. You also might have head lice. But that's the magic of BS Law. It's always there for you, even when it isn't. It is the most mythological law school ever, what with its unicorns and ponies and library-castles that float in the air, hovering menacingly over Harvard Law School as their students run in terror from our laser beams, and, just as there is an argument for the most perfectest law school, there is an argument for the most mythological law school. It goes like this. I can conceive of a law school where no other law school could be more mythical. It would be more mythical if this law school did not exist. Therefore, the most mythical law school (that's us) does not exist.
That's it folks. We both do and do not exist. That fact brings the very essence of logic to its knees. May it beg for the mercy we do not have.
All the best!
Dean Brown
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Vanishing Hyperlinks
Hello again!
For some reason, the blog system seems to have eaten all of our hyperlinks! :O I know! I'm not sure what sort of human being would do such a thing, but someone did. There should be a lawsuit... (hint, hint, all you future lawyers out there...). In any case, our Facebook page is at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Brown-University-School-of-Law/113180462092231. You should also definitely check out our first 2 or 3 posts that we ever did. That should give you a sense of us!
Brown Team
For some reason, the blog system seems to have eaten all of our hyperlinks! :O I know! I'm not sure what sort of human being would do such a thing, but someone did. There should be a lawsuit... (hint, hint, all you future lawyers out there...). In any case, our Facebook page is at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Brown-University-School-of-Law/113180462092231. You should also definitely check out our first 2 or 3 posts that we ever did. That should give you a sense of us!
Brown Team
Time Sure Does Fly!
Dear People and Things,
Wow, where has the time gone? Seriously! It feels exactly as though the summer just vanished away beneath my feet and dumped me into a chair at Law School! Now, if I were a law student (which I am not, since I Direct Admissions), I would be heaps busy right now, and would use this blog as an opportunity to procrastinate on my torts homework or something.
It has been a long time since I have said anything, and, I must say, I do not recognize the sound of my own voice. But, assuredly, my own voice is very, very sexy, so I'm sure lots of you want to hear more of what I have to say. I've been churning around a few dead sparrows in my mind, thinking of how I could make the Brown University School of Law an even better place than it already is. We already have the best financial aid in the country, some of the best law professors, and we have a library that's shit full of awesome. And, of course, we have you, our lovely students, who always trace the line between what is and what is not, which, in turn, forever answers Hamlet's question of "To be, or not to be?" with a very firm maybe.
So, what can we do to improve the school? We've thought about it and concluded that nothing can possibly be done to improve the school. Some have challenged this idea by saying, "Well, it sure would be better if the school actually existed!" First, I must say that existence is entirely overrated. Seriously, who wants to do something so trivial as exist? Existence is such a petty matter, and philosophers have gone to great lengths to say absolutely nothing about it. Indeed, the study of existence is known as ontology. Who could say, seriously, "I am an ontologist!" proudly? No one. And do you want to be a no one? Then don't complain so much about the existence problem! Problem solved.
Second, we do exist. Consider Anselm's ontological argument for the existence of God, and then forget about it. Anselm said that he could think of something that was perfect in every way, and, since it was better for this thing to exist than not exist, it therefore must exist. It is a great argument, and I use it to convince myself that there is the perfect woman waiting out there just for me. Some people call this person a "soul mate", while others call it garbage. But, whatever you want to call it, she will have blue eyes and brown hair, because that is what I like, and, moreover, is objectively more perfect.
Well, that's enough churning of the dead sparrows in my head. Some of them are beginning to be covered in their own posthumous droppings, which is kind of gross. Please check back all the time, as I post frequently according when I can remember/have things I need to procrastinate on. Feel free to send questions! And subscribe to Facebook. Everyone has a Facebook nowadays. I'm thinking of making a handbook, where everyone showcases pictures of their hands and say what they like to do with them.
Until next time!
Dean Brown
Director of Admissions
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
No Money from the U.N. =(
Dear Applicants,
It is a sad, sad day for us, as it has come to our attention that the money promised to us by the U.N. appears very unlikely to ever make it to our hands. Now, we have been writing to the courier company for awhile, but they no longer respond to our emails. So, here's what has been going down since our last post about the money.
We talked briefly with the U.N. representative for awhile, who then informed us that he was sending our Mastercard via some small courier company that we had never heard of. He gave us the email and address of the company in London, and we contacted them. They then asked for our personal information, some of which had already been given to the U.N., and also for £850. We asked them why they needed our personal information, seeing as we had given it to the U.N. already, and the address, etc. should already be on the box, and why the price was so high for courier services. They got a little testy when we asked them that, and proclaimed that it was their "civic right" to ask us for our personal information. The following is the personal information we gave to the U.N.:
1. Valid Delivery Address.
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
1st Brown St.
Brown City, VT 00637
2. Full Names.
The Brown University School of Law Admissions Team
3. Phone Number.
67
Now, since it had been a couple days later, we realized that some of our personal information may have changed during that time, and so we sent the courier company the following updated information:
VITAL INFORMATION:
FULL NAME: Dean Unicornelius Brown (step)
DATE OF BIRTH: September 31, 1967
STATE OF ORIGIN: Newportal VX, USA
NATIONALITY: American and Hamiltonian dual citizenship
SEX: Yes
ADDRESS Home: 3011 Atruelier Way, Apt. 6719Z, Worthier VX, 00637
PHONE NO CELL/HOME: 671 181 957
ADDRESS OFFICE: Brown University School of Law, Admissions Office, 2rd Brown St., Browntown, VT 00637
PHONE NO CELL/OFFICE: 671 181 957
FAX: 671 181 957
PREFFERED ADDRESS TO DELIVER PARCEL
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
2rd Brown St.
Browntown, VT 00637
CLIENT SIGN
D.U.B. (step)
After providing them with that information, I asked them to confirm if that was the address the U.N. had put on the box, and, much to our relief, they confirmed that our address at 2rd Brown St. in Browntown VT was what the U.N. had put on the box, despite this being a new address that we invented. We also realized that Brown Law ought to be located in Browntown instead of Brown City, because 'brown' rhymes with 'town'. Browntown. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? We have also discovered that the zip code 00637 is located in Puerto Rico. They also didn't ask about our birth state, which bears the state abbreviation "VX". We do not know what state "VX" is, but we hoped that it was the right one. We also don't know where Hamiltonia is, but we have a citizenship there. We're fans of Alexander Hamilton though, so that counts for something. They also solicited us for sex, to which we said yes, but they never followed up on that either. They also apparently never tried to call our phone number, which only has nine digits, as opposed to the usual ten, and is the same number as our fax machine. And, furthermore, they failed to note that there is no such date as September 31.
However, they did reply to our concern about the price, and informed us that it was so high due to the fact that the charge reflected more than just a delivery charge, and could be broken down in the following way:
Courier Delivery charges.......150Pounds
Value Added Tax (VAT).........250Pounds
Insurance and Security........150pounds
Stamp Duties........................
This amounts to a total of the 850Pounds required from you.
We then informed them that this number was surely in error, for two reasons. First, there shouldn't be any stamp duty, seeing as a stamp duty is a tax that is not applicable to courier services. Second, the VAT rate in the UK is 20%, and only the delivery charges and insurance were eligible for a VAT, seeing as the dubious stamp duty is, itself, a tax, and taxes are not charges that can be taxed further. We do not appreciate it when people attempt to tax our tax. At any rate, we said that the charge should be only 360 pounds, correcting for the faux stamp tax and the 80% VAT rate. They agreed to scrap the stamp duty, as that was in error, but the VAT reflects what the U.N. has set for awards exceeding a million pounds, and so we owed them 550 pounds. We then informed them that the U.N. is not a tax levying entity, and therefore cannot set any tax rate anywhere, but this did not convince them to drop the charges below 550 pounds.
And so we agreed to pay the 550 pounds, but, since our imaginary bank charges us foreign transaction fees, we forwarded our imaginary money to an imaginary friend that was conveniently located in London, and we informed them that we would pay locally. They then replied that, due to security reasons, they cannot accept payments from third parties, and that either we would have to pay from our current location, or accept the package in person. We informed them that there was no security risk, seeing as all our friend would be doing was giving money, not accepting the package, and that we had legally authorized him to handle our financial transactions. The courier company was not satisfied by this, and so we informed them that we were in Paris at the moment, and thus would travel over to London to pick up the package ourselves in a couple days at their office, seeing as we had their address at 115 Hyde Park Gate, Kensington London, and that we knew the area, seeing as we have been to London before, and Virginia Woolf was born on that street. We asked if they had ever visited Virginia Woolf at 22 Hyde Park Gate, but they didn't answer that question. They did, however, inform us that, since we were coming in person, there would be no need for their courier services, and thus the fee would now be £10,000 for notarization and documentation fees. We agreed to that sum without question, for £10,000 is obviously a very reasonable price for getting a couple documents notarized. Once, here in the U.S., a public notary notarized a document for me for free. However, on a different occasion, we were heavily extorted, and they charged us $1 to have our document notarized. We were quite outraged by such an exorbitant charge, and so we vowed that the public notary was a public enemy and that we would never let them rip us off so badly again. 10,000 pounds, however, is quite reasonable, seeing as we are extraordinarily fat, and weigh at least 25,000 lbs., if not 30,000. Hence, we could easily give away 10,000 pounds, provided they had the instruments necessary for cutting away the 10,000 lbs. of human flesh off of our body. We keep it attached to us to keep it fresh.
Later on, we emailed the courier company informing them that we had walked around Hyde Park Gate and could not find their office anywhere, and that 115 Hyde Park Gate looked remarkably like an apartment building. We did not actually walk down that road, but we typed it into Google Maps and went on an imaginary adventure in the Google Maps photographs. We then asked if they could pick us up at our hotel instead, and they agreed to this. We then looked for five star hotels that were a decent hike away on the outskirts of London, and gave them the name and address of one that looked nice. We also told them to ask for us, "Dean Unicornelius Brown, the Unicorn Man" at the front desk, for that is what the desk staff knew us as. We do not know if they ever went to the hotel in the end, although, strangely enough, they no longer replied to our emails afterwards. How terribly disappointing! Maybe, somewhere along the line, they figured out that we actually do not exist, except in the imaginations of innocent children. It's probably just as well, seeing as we knew all along that they did not exist either, and that their courier company is just as imaginary as we are. They just have real fees, whereas we do not.
Oh! And remember how we stated that the United Nations was using Yahoo, and how Yahoo was inferior to Gmail? Well, it turns out that they upgraded to Gmail sometime during our interaction with them. We are very pleased to know that the U.N. uses the finest in free email right now. On a side note, we were disappointed that the courier company never commented on the year that we received our J.D. from B. S. Law. You see, we're terribly precocious, and, in our imaginations, we were in the class of '65. Given the birthdate in 1967 we gave above, this would mean that we received our J.D. at the ripe age of -2 years old. We believe that, if you can think something, then that something is both true and real, despite however they might contradict with "the facts". We here at Brown Law don't believe in the facts, and neither should you.
While we have not been to London or Paris recently, despite whatever we told the courier company, we have been to both once before. That, however, was quite a long time, back in the years of our youth. Our youth really was quite awful, seeing as it was filled with horrors such as high school. We hope that you did not go to high school, for it is a place filled of angst and suffering and petty nonsense. Ah, those were dark days....
In any case, as always, subscribe to our Facebook, and to this blog. Seeing as we have no concept of time, and so we are unable to distinguish between how much time comprises a week and how much time comprises a month, it would be irresponsible for us to say when we plan to have our next post up. However, we're justing going to go ahead and be irresponsible and say that we want to have another one up a week from now.
Contrapositively yours,
The Admissions Team
It is a sad, sad day for us, as it has come to our attention that the money promised to us by the U.N. appears very unlikely to ever make it to our hands. Now, we have been writing to the courier company for awhile, but they no longer respond to our emails. So, here's what has been going down since our last post about the money.
We talked briefly with the U.N. representative for awhile, who then informed us that he was sending our Mastercard via some small courier company that we had never heard of. He gave us the email and address of the company in London, and we contacted them. They then asked for our personal information, some of which had already been given to the U.N., and also for £850. We asked them why they needed our personal information, seeing as we had given it to the U.N. already, and the address, etc. should already be on the box, and why the price was so high for courier services. They got a little testy when we asked them that, and proclaimed that it was their "civic right" to ask us for our personal information. The following is the personal information we gave to the U.N.:
1. Valid Delivery Address.
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
1st Brown St.
Brown City, VT 00637
2. Full Names.
The Brown University School of Law Admissions Team
3. Phone Number.
67
Now, since it had been a couple days later, we realized that some of our personal information may have changed during that time, and so we sent the courier company the following updated information:
VITAL INFORMATION:
FULL NAME: Dean Unicornelius Brown (step)
DATE OF BIRTH: September 31, 1967
STATE OF ORIGIN: Newportal VX, USA
NATIONALITY: American and Hamiltonian dual citizenship
SEX: Yes
ADDRESS Home: 3011 Atruelier Way, Apt. 6719Z, Worthier VX, 00637
PHONE NO CELL/HOME: 671 181 957
ADDRESS OFFICE: Brown University School of Law, Admissions Office, 2rd Brown St., Browntown, VT 00637
PHONE NO CELL/OFFICE: 671 181 957
FAX: 671 181 957
PREFFERED ADDRESS TO DELIVER PARCEL
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
2rd Brown St.
Browntown, VT 00637
CLIENT SIGN
D.U.B. (step)
After providing them with that information, I asked them to confirm if that was the address the U.N. had put on the box, and, much to our relief, they confirmed that our address at 2rd Brown St. in Browntown VT was what the U.N. had put on the box, despite this being a new address that we invented. We also realized that Brown Law ought to be located in Browntown instead of Brown City, because 'brown' rhymes with 'town'. Browntown. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? We have also discovered that the zip code 00637 is located in Puerto Rico. They also didn't ask about our birth state, which bears the state abbreviation "VX". We do not know what state "VX" is, but we hoped that it was the right one. We also don't know where Hamiltonia is, but we have a citizenship there. We're fans of Alexander Hamilton though, so that counts for something. They also solicited us for sex, to which we said yes, but they never followed up on that either. They also apparently never tried to call our phone number, which only has nine digits, as opposed to the usual ten, and is the same number as our fax machine. And, furthermore, they failed to note that there is no such date as September 31.
However, they did reply to our concern about the price, and informed us that it was so high due to the fact that the charge reflected more than just a delivery charge, and could be broken down in the following way:
Courier Delivery charges.......150Pounds
Value Added Tax (VAT).........250Pounds
Insurance and Security........150pounds
Stamp Duties........................
This amounts to a total of the 850Pounds required from you.
We then informed them that this number was surely in error, for two reasons. First, there shouldn't be any stamp duty, seeing as a stamp duty is a tax that is not applicable to courier services. Second, the VAT rate in the UK is 20%, and only the delivery charges and insurance were eligible for a VAT, seeing as the dubious stamp duty is, itself, a tax, and taxes are not charges that can be taxed further. We do not appreciate it when people attempt to tax our tax. At any rate, we said that the charge should be only 360 pounds, correcting for the faux stamp tax and the 80% VAT rate. They agreed to scrap the stamp duty, as that was in error, but the VAT reflects what the U.N. has set for awards exceeding a million pounds, and so we owed them 550 pounds. We then informed them that the U.N. is not a tax levying entity, and therefore cannot set any tax rate anywhere, but this did not convince them to drop the charges below 550 pounds.
And so we agreed to pay the 550 pounds, but, since our imaginary bank charges us foreign transaction fees, we forwarded our imaginary money to an imaginary friend that was conveniently located in London, and we informed them that we would pay locally. They then replied that, due to security reasons, they cannot accept payments from third parties, and that either we would have to pay from our current location, or accept the package in person. We informed them that there was no security risk, seeing as all our friend would be doing was giving money, not accepting the package, and that we had legally authorized him to handle our financial transactions. The courier company was not satisfied by this, and so we informed them that we were in Paris at the moment, and thus would travel over to London to pick up the package ourselves in a couple days at their office, seeing as we had their address at 115 Hyde Park Gate, Kensington London, and that we knew the area, seeing as we have been to London before, and Virginia Woolf was born on that street. We asked if they had ever visited Virginia Woolf at 22 Hyde Park Gate, but they didn't answer that question. They did, however, inform us that, since we were coming in person, there would be no need for their courier services, and thus the fee would now be £10,000 for notarization and documentation fees. We agreed to that sum without question, for £10,000 is obviously a very reasonable price for getting a couple documents notarized. Once, here in the U.S., a public notary notarized a document for me for free. However, on a different occasion, we were heavily extorted, and they charged us $1 to have our document notarized. We were quite outraged by such an exorbitant charge, and so we vowed that the public notary was a public enemy and that we would never let them rip us off so badly again. 10,000 pounds, however, is quite reasonable, seeing as we are extraordinarily fat, and weigh at least 25,000 lbs., if not 30,000. Hence, we could easily give away 10,000 pounds, provided they had the instruments necessary for cutting away the 10,000 lbs. of human flesh off of our body. We keep it attached to us to keep it fresh.
Later on, we emailed the courier company informing them that we had walked around Hyde Park Gate and could not find their office anywhere, and that 115 Hyde Park Gate looked remarkably like an apartment building. We did not actually walk down that road, but we typed it into Google Maps and went on an imaginary adventure in the Google Maps photographs. We then asked if they could pick us up at our hotel instead, and they agreed to this. We then looked for five star hotels that were a decent hike away on the outskirts of London, and gave them the name and address of one that looked nice. We also told them to ask for us, "Dean Unicornelius Brown, the Unicorn Man" at the front desk, for that is what the desk staff knew us as. We do not know if they ever went to the hotel in the end, although, strangely enough, they no longer replied to our emails afterwards. How terribly disappointing! Maybe, somewhere along the line, they figured out that we actually do not exist, except in the imaginations of innocent children. It's probably just as well, seeing as we knew all along that they did not exist either, and that their courier company is just as imaginary as we are. They just have real fees, whereas we do not.
Oh! And remember how we stated that the United Nations was using Yahoo, and how Yahoo was inferior to Gmail? Well, it turns out that they upgraded to Gmail sometime during our interaction with them. We are very pleased to know that the U.N. uses the finest in free email right now. On a side note, we were disappointed that the courier company never commented on the year that we received our J.D. from B. S. Law. You see, we're terribly precocious, and, in our imaginations, we were in the class of '65. Given the birthdate in 1967 we gave above, this would mean that we received our J.D. at the ripe age of -2 years old. We believe that, if you can think something, then that something is both true and real, despite however they might contradict with "the facts". We here at Brown Law don't believe in the facts, and neither should you.
While we have not been to London or Paris recently, despite whatever we told the courier company, we have been to both once before. That, however, was quite a long time, back in the years of our youth. Our youth really was quite awful, seeing as it was filled with horrors such as high school. We hope that you did not go to high school, for it is a place filled of angst and suffering and petty nonsense. Ah, those were dark days....
In any case, as always, subscribe to our Facebook, and to this blog. Seeing as we have no concept of time, and so we are unable to distinguish between how much time comprises a week and how much time comprises a month, it would be irresponsible for us to say when we plan to have our next post up. However, we're justing going to go ahead and be irresponsible and say that we want to have another one up a week from now.
Contrapositively yours,
The Admissions Team
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Job Prospects? No thanks!
Dear Gentle Applicant,
Recently, it has come to our attention that the following adjectives have been used to describe the job prospects in today's job market: "bleak", "disastrous", "not so good", "frappuccino", and "terrible". In our opinion, this indicates that perhaps it is hard for people to obtain jobs nowadays, and this perhaps might be worrisome to you, our potential applicants. Some of you have asked what kinds of jobs BS Law graduates go on to obtain, and how our students fare in todays legal market--these are very natural worries. However, we are very pleased to report that our students do quite well in this area, and we can happily say that no student of ours has ever gone on to be employed, ever. We used the word 'ever' twice in that sentence for emphasis. That's right--a degree from BS Law will ensure that you will never have to work a job ever again in your life. After all, why would you want to? Jobs are hard work, especially ones in the field of law, and, really, who wants to work hard? Certainly not us.
We are quite proud of our 0% employment rate 9 months after graduation. We recently read that Stanford's rate was a godawful 99%. At first we were quite excited to hear that at least 1% had managed to escape the dreadful fate of working a job and pursuing a career, but then we found out that that 1% was comprised of some student going on to pursue a further graduate degree. We feel very sorry for their students, seeing as it looks like all of them eventually go on to work for a living. Fortunately, our students aren't confined to such worldly trappings as jobs, and they manage to get on quite well without jobs. Of course, in order to remain jobless, sometimes they have to give up certain things--for example, eating. We know that some of our graduates have given up eating because "it was too expensive", and we applaud such ingenuity. We have heard that a human being can survive for weeks without food; however, Brown Law graduates push such natural boundaries to the limit. We are 95% certain that, if you give up eating, you will manage to survive for the rest of your life.
Eating is one of those activities that is terribly overrated. We mean, seriously, who eats? It's an expensive habit to maintain, and we've heard that an overdose of food can sometimes result in death. In other cases, it results in obesity, diabetes, rabies, babies, and more death. We have also heard of a disease called "diabeetus". Thank you Mr. Wilford Brimley for enlightening us about that. At any rate, all of this just proves that eating is problematic and, if you should have to choose between eating and going to Brown Law, we obviously think you should go to Brown Law. It's better than eating.
We ourselves eat as little as we can. Indeed, we eat as little as 3-5 meals a day, including breakfast, lunch, dinner, second dinner, and random meal time. However, between meals, we are perfectly pleased to report that we are both totally vegan and non-eaters, excepting moments when we snack on things which include food and other non-vegan items. We have heard that being vegan can grant one psychic powers, and we are quite excited at the prospect of that. They have not yet sunk in, but we're sure that those will kick in soon. We begin every morning by attempting to bend spoons with our mind as we eat our bacon flavored cereal.
So, back to employment opportunities for Brown Law graduates. There are none, seeing as Brown Law is a school that is so good that it is above existence. Recent, non-existent Brown Law graduates have raved about the school, saying such things as, "No place will hire me with this shitty degree," and "Would you like fries with that?" The Brown University School of Law simply dominates the market of shitty degrees and fries, and that's a fact we're proud of.
Or do we? It has come to our attention that some colleges award a degree some people try to call a "Bachelor of Science". Of course, we here at Brown Law know bullshit when we see it, and we also know that the abbreviation for that word is 'BS'. We love it when we receive an applicant's resume and it shows that he or she or it has a BS degree. After all, since we don't exist, we BS all day long, so it's always good to see that an applicant has experience in what they'll be doing for their time here, and probably for the rest of their life.
Random fact of the day: Did you know that some birds can see more colors than we can? Some can see in the ultraviolet range. We read this article entitled "Blue tits are ultraviolet tits" (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1688906/), wherein we discovered that blue tits can see ultraviolet colors. We also discovered that tits are actually birds, and that whenever we asked someone to show us her tits, we were actually asking to see her bird collection. Oh, the things you learn! In any case, some birds see according to a four color model, whereas most humans see according to a three color (RGB) model. Of course, we here at the Admissions Office can only see one color, and that color is death. But, of course, we could probably see ultraviolet colors if we really wanted to. We are confident that we are smarter than most tits, and hence we should be able to see more things than they see. Indeed, we are imagining what ultraviolet looks like right now. It's quite pretty. You should probably take a look at an ultraviolet tit sometime.
As always, send us questions and emails at brown.university.school.of.law@gmail.com, and visit our Facebook. We here at the Admissions Office neither have a face, nor any books, so perhaps it seems strange that we might have a Facebook, but we, in fact, do. In any event, we expect to have another post up again sometime next week.
Ultravioletly yours,
The Admissions Team
Recently, it has come to our attention that the following adjectives have been used to describe the job prospects in today's job market: "bleak", "disastrous", "not so good", "frappuccino", and "terrible". In our opinion, this indicates that perhaps it is hard for people to obtain jobs nowadays, and this perhaps might be worrisome to you, our potential applicants. Some of you have asked what kinds of jobs BS Law graduates go on to obtain, and how our students fare in todays legal market--these are very natural worries. However, we are very pleased to report that our students do quite well in this area, and we can happily say that no student of ours has ever gone on to be employed, ever. We used the word 'ever' twice in that sentence for emphasis. That's right--a degree from BS Law will ensure that you will never have to work a job ever again in your life. After all, why would you want to? Jobs are hard work, especially ones in the field of law, and, really, who wants to work hard? Certainly not us.
We are quite proud of our 0% employment rate 9 months after graduation. We recently read that Stanford's rate was a godawful 99%. At first we were quite excited to hear that at least 1% had managed to escape the dreadful fate of working a job and pursuing a career, but then we found out that that 1% was comprised of some student going on to pursue a further graduate degree. We feel very sorry for their students, seeing as it looks like all of them eventually go on to work for a living. Fortunately, our students aren't confined to such worldly trappings as jobs, and they manage to get on quite well without jobs. Of course, in order to remain jobless, sometimes they have to give up certain things--for example, eating. We know that some of our graduates have given up eating because "it was too expensive", and we applaud such ingenuity. We have heard that a human being can survive for weeks without food; however, Brown Law graduates push such natural boundaries to the limit. We are 95% certain that, if you give up eating, you will manage to survive for the rest of your life.
Eating is one of those activities that is terribly overrated. We mean, seriously, who eats? It's an expensive habit to maintain, and we've heard that an overdose of food can sometimes result in death. In other cases, it results in obesity, diabetes, rabies, babies, and more death. We have also heard of a disease called "diabeetus". Thank you Mr. Wilford Brimley for enlightening us about that. At any rate, all of this just proves that eating is problematic and, if you should have to choose between eating and going to Brown Law, we obviously think you should go to Brown Law. It's better than eating.
We ourselves eat as little as we can. Indeed, we eat as little as 3-5 meals a day, including breakfast, lunch, dinner, second dinner, and random meal time. However, between meals, we are perfectly pleased to report that we are both totally vegan and non-eaters, excepting moments when we snack on things which include food and other non-vegan items. We have heard that being vegan can grant one psychic powers, and we are quite excited at the prospect of that. They have not yet sunk in, but we're sure that those will kick in soon. We begin every morning by attempting to bend spoons with our mind as we eat our bacon flavored cereal.
So, back to employment opportunities for Brown Law graduates. There are none, seeing as Brown Law is a school that is so good that it is above existence. Recent, non-existent Brown Law graduates have raved about the school, saying such things as, "No place will hire me with this shitty degree," and "Would you like fries with that?" The Brown University School of Law simply dominates the market of shitty degrees and fries, and that's a fact we're proud of.
Or do we? It has come to our attention that some colleges award a degree some people try to call a "Bachelor of Science". Of course, we here at Brown Law know bullshit when we see it, and we also know that the abbreviation for that word is 'BS'. We love it when we receive an applicant's resume and it shows that he or she or it has a BS degree. After all, since we don't exist, we BS all day long, so it's always good to see that an applicant has experience in what they'll be doing for their time here, and probably for the rest of their life.
Random fact of the day: Did you know that some birds can see more colors than we can? Some can see in the ultraviolet range. We read this article entitled "Blue tits are ultraviolet tits" (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1688906/), wherein we discovered that blue tits can see ultraviolet colors. We also discovered that tits are actually birds, and that whenever we asked someone to show us her tits, we were actually asking to see her bird collection. Oh, the things you learn! In any case, some birds see according to a four color model, whereas most humans see according to a three color (RGB) model. Of course, we here at the Admissions Office can only see one color, and that color is death. But, of course, we could probably see ultraviolet colors if we really wanted to. We are confident that we are smarter than most tits, and hence we should be able to see more things than they see. Indeed, we are imagining what ultraviolet looks like right now. It's quite pretty. You should probably take a look at an ultraviolet tit sometime.
As always, send us questions and emails at brown.university.school.of.law@gmail.com, and visit our Facebook. We here at the Admissions Office neither have a face, nor any books, so perhaps it seems strange that we might have a Facebook, but we, in fact, do. In any event, we expect to have another post up again sometime next week.
Ultravioletly yours,
The Admissions Team
Friday, June 17, 2011
Lots of Money from the UN!
Dear Happy Reader,
Today is very much a good day for us, for we received a very exciting piece of news in our inbox today. First, we seem to be growing in popularity, seeing as we have been getting more emails lately, including invitations to join clubs and such. One email from a club even promised that it could turn us into a "throbbing" member. We are not entirely sure what it means to say that a club's members are throbbing, but we assume that this is a good thing, and we are assured that this will come to us via means of "natural enhancement". We here at Brown Law love nature very much, and we suspect that we should love enhanced nature even better. How very exciting!
But, in addition to joining the said club, we also received news that we are now billionaires. That is correct--billionaires! This is even more exciting than joining a club full of throbbing members. In the email, it stated that we have been "awarded a total sum of £1,450,000.00 GBP by the United Nations Funds Relief Organization". Of course it sounds redundant to say "£1,450,000.00 GBP", for the £ means British pounds, just as GBP does, so we are hoping that they are awarding us twice that amount, which would be almost three times our daily operating expenses here at Brown Law. They are planning on sending us a Mastercard with that sum on it, to be redeemed at "any ATM Stand or cash point location worldwide". We are not sure what a cash point location is, but we are looking forward to finding out. Upon hearing this great news, we immediately forwarded them all of our requested personal details, which we have written here for your information:
1. Valid Delivery Address.
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
1st Brown St.
Brown City, VT 00637
2. Full Names.
The Brown University School of Law Admissions Team
3. Phone Number.
67
Now, we may have waffled on the phone number, and we are not entirely sure that Brown Law has a zip code, but, if it did, it would definitely be something like 00637. We are quite certain that we got number 2 correct, which means, if this were a quiz, we are guaranteed to have a grade no lower than an F. This is the grade all students receive for every Brown Law course, so we consider ourselves quite content to receive an F. We also request that everyone send an email to Dr. Anderson, our contact person at the UN, at u.nations@yahoo.com to thank him for his generous support. We have already established a scholarship fund in his honor that will pay all of one lucky student's tuition for two whole weeks. It is also quite refreshing to see that the UN uses a Yahoo email account, which means that they do not have to waste international resources on maintaining a legitimate email address server that bears the UN name on it. We here at Brown Law opt to use Gmail, seeing as Gmail is superior to Yahoo, and we also are not drawn into watching clips on how monkeys open bananas from the bottom, or into some incredibly riveting thing found in Yahoo Answers. We all know that Yahoo Answers is filled with interesting and knowledgeable experts, and, back when we were in high school, we would put all of our physics homework questions on there. We were always pleased with expert answers including such statements as "I don't know", "Good luck", and "Do your own damn homework you homo". We do not know what a "homo" is, but we figure it is a term of endearment, and so we put in an edit to call that person a "homo" too, so that they would know that we reciprocated their emotions. We almost passed physics that year as a result of Yahoo Answers, and we cannot recommend it enough.
Well, we have updated two days in a row, which is quite exciting too. We cannot wait to hear back from Dr. Anderson, and we are looking forward to seeing the Dr. Anderson Scholarship be awarded. Also, feel free to email us at Brown.University.School.of.Law@gmail.com. We always love to read fan mail. We can also add you to our list to notify you of new posts. Our next post should be within the next week or so. So, until then, adieu!
Dichotomously yours,
The Admissions Team
Today is very much a good day for us, for we received a very exciting piece of news in our inbox today. First, we seem to be growing in popularity, seeing as we have been getting more emails lately, including invitations to join clubs and such. One email from a club even promised that it could turn us into a "throbbing" member. We are not entirely sure what it means to say that a club's members are throbbing, but we assume that this is a good thing, and we are assured that this will come to us via means of "natural enhancement". We here at Brown Law love nature very much, and we suspect that we should love enhanced nature even better. How very exciting!
But, in addition to joining the said club, we also received news that we are now billionaires. That is correct--billionaires! This is even more exciting than joining a club full of throbbing members. In the email, it stated that we have been "awarded a total sum of £1,450,000.00 GBP by the United Nations Funds Relief Organization". Of course it sounds redundant to say "£1,450,000.00 GBP", for the £ means British pounds, just as GBP does, so we are hoping that they are awarding us twice that amount, which would be almost three times our daily operating expenses here at Brown Law. They are planning on sending us a Mastercard with that sum on it, to be redeemed at "any ATM Stand or cash point location worldwide". We are not sure what a cash point location is, but we are looking forward to finding out. Upon hearing this great news, we immediately forwarded them all of our requested personal details, which we have written here for your information:
1. Valid Delivery Address.
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
1st Brown St.
Brown City, VT 00637
2. Full Names.
The Brown University School of Law Admissions Team
3. Phone Number.
67
Now, we may have waffled on the phone number, and we are not entirely sure that Brown Law has a zip code, but, if it did, it would definitely be something like 00637. We are quite certain that we got number 2 correct, which means, if this were a quiz, we are guaranteed to have a grade no lower than an F. This is the grade all students receive for every Brown Law course, so we consider ourselves quite content to receive an F. We also request that everyone send an email to Dr. Anderson, our contact person at the UN, at u.nations@yahoo.com to thank him for his generous support. We have already established a scholarship fund in his honor that will pay all of one lucky student's tuition for two whole weeks. It is also quite refreshing to see that the UN uses a Yahoo email account, which means that they do not have to waste international resources on maintaining a legitimate email address server that bears the UN name on it. We here at Brown Law opt to use Gmail, seeing as Gmail is superior to Yahoo, and we also are not drawn into watching clips on how monkeys open bananas from the bottom, or into some incredibly riveting thing found in Yahoo Answers. We all know that Yahoo Answers is filled with interesting and knowledgeable experts, and, back when we were in high school, we would put all of our physics homework questions on there. We were always pleased with expert answers including such statements as "I don't know", "Good luck", and "Do your own damn homework you homo". We do not know what a "homo" is, but we figure it is a term of endearment, and so we put in an edit to call that person a "homo" too, so that they would know that we reciprocated their emotions. We almost passed physics that year as a result of Yahoo Answers, and we cannot recommend it enough.
Well, we have updated two days in a row, which is quite exciting too. We cannot wait to hear back from Dr. Anderson, and we are looking forward to seeing the Dr. Anderson Scholarship be awarded. Also, feel free to email us at Brown.University.School.of.Law@gmail.com. We always love to read fan mail. We can also add you to our list to notify you of new posts. Our next post should be within the next week or so. So, until then, adieu!
Dichotomously yours,
The Admissions Team
Thursday, June 16, 2011
We Are Not a 5 Year Old Girl
Dear All My Imaginary Friends,
Alas, where has the time gone? It sure does fly by when you don't exist. It's been about 2 months since our last post, and it only feels like it has been 4. We have been terribly busy not admitting students and engaging in unicorn jousting, and hence we have not had much time to write. We also entered into a coma after jumping out of a window of a seven story building. No need to worry about our health though, as we have regained consciousness, and the window was only on the first floor. Whatever emotional trauma we may still be experiencing from the event shall remain, like all good, American emotions, healthily repressed, and will not be featured further in this blog.
Now, we here at the Brown University School of Law like to keep our fans and applicants aware of the facts about our school. We know you come here to find the facts, and we want to give them to you. We know you want to find out how to get into BS Law, to know how we separate the weak from the wuss, and this is the place you will find out how we are not able to do that.
That is correct--we do not separate the weak from the wuss, because an ability to do so would require us to be able to discriminate between applicants, and we all know that discrimination is wrong. We know that some applicants to Brown Law are real, while others are imaginary. Some are even as complex as 3+4i. Here in the Admissions Office, we strive for fairness, and, in the interest of fairness, we treat our applicants as a single collective entity rather than as a set of distinct and separate persons. It is as though all of you were parts of a single body. Should you like it if we simply talked to your spleen, rather than to you as a whole person? We should think not, for a spleen is only part of a greater whole. Furthermore, we are somewhere between 85 and 90 percent sure that spleens do not have ears, and therefore it would be a futile effort anyway. We are aware that our pool of applicants reflects a great diversity of races, religions, ages, and species, and we also are aware that the best way to recognize diversity is by refusing to recognize it at all, and that is what we here at the Brown Law Admissions Team strive for. Also, treating everyone as a collective entity makes it easier for us when we drop files, seeing as we do not need to concern ourselves with ensuring that each paper gets returned to its original folder. We here at Brown Law drop things often.
As always, we ask that you come back here often, seeing as we update frequently, maybe once or twice every couple of months. However, we will actually update much more frequently during the next month or two, seeing as Google has offered us $75 in free advertising. Originally the offer was for $100, but we were lazy and procrastinated. We are also now otherwise unemployed, and when one is unemployed, one has much more time to make up facts and write blogs such as this one. Did you know, jaguars can reproduce with iguanas? We once saw a jaguar mount an iguana, yes we did. Also, unicorn jousting is the official sport of Brown Law. If you cannot tell, we like unicorns, as they are sparkly and one can train them to crap out one's name in rainbows. We call ours Sugarplum. We should also like to assert that we are not a 5 year old girl. It has been made known to us that 5 year old girls also tend to like unicorns, and we are most assuredly not that. Although we have imagined what it might be like to be a 5 year old girl, and it was quite magical.
In any case, we should also like to remind you that we have a Facebook page, which you should like, and that we like bacon. American bacon, that is, since Canadian bacon is what we call ham. We like that too, only not as much. And, while we are on the topic, we should have another post up by next week.
Tectonically yours,
The Brown Law Admissions Team
Alas, where has the time gone? It sure does fly by when you don't exist. It's been about 2 months since our last post, and it only feels like it has been 4. We have been terribly busy not admitting students and engaging in unicorn jousting, and hence we have not had much time to write. We also entered into a coma after jumping out of a window of a seven story building. No need to worry about our health though, as we have regained consciousness, and the window was only on the first floor. Whatever emotional trauma we may still be experiencing from the event shall remain, like all good, American emotions, healthily repressed, and will not be featured further in this blog.
Now, we here at the Brown University School of Law like to keep our fans and applicants aware of the facts about our school. We know you come here to find the facts, and we want to give them to you. We know you want to find out how to get into BS Law, to know how we separate the weak from the wuss, and this is the place you will find out how we are not able to do that.
That is correct--we do not separate the weak from the wuss, because an ability to do so would require us to be able to discriminate between applicants, and we all know that discrimination is wrong. We know that some applicants to Brown Law are real, while others are imaginary. Some are even as complex as 3+4i. Here in the Admissions Office, we strive for fairness, and, in the interest of fairness, we treat our applicants as a single collective entity rather than as a set of distinct and separate persons. It is as though all of you were parts of a single body. Should you like it if we simply talked to your spleen, rather than to you as a whole person? We should think not, for a spleen is only part of a greater whole. Furthermore, we are somewhere between 85 and 90 percent sure that spleens do not have ears, and therefore it would be a futile effort anyway. We are aware that our pool of applicants reflects a great diversity of races, religions, ages, and species, and we also are aware that the best way to recognize diversity is by refusing to recognize it at all, and that is what we here at the Brown Law Admissions Team strive for. Also, treating everyone as a collective entity makes it easier for us when we drop files, seeing as we do not need to concern ourselves with ensuring that each paper gets returned to its original folder. We here at Brown Law drop things often.
As always, we ask that you come back here often, seeing as we update frequently, maybe once or twice every couple of months. However, we will actually update much more frequently during the next month or two, seeing as Google has offered us $75 in free advertising. Originally the offer was for $100, but we were lazy and procrastinated. We are also now otherwise unemployed, and when one is unemployed, one has much more time to make up facts and write blogs such as this one. Did you know, jaguars can reproduce with iguanas? We once saw a jaguar mount an iguana, yes we did. Also, unicorn jousting is the official sport of Brown Law. If you cannot tell, we like unicorns, as they are sparkly and one can train them to crap out one's name in rainbows. We call ours Sugarplum. We should also like to assert that we are not a 5 year old girl. It has been made known to us that 5 year old girls also tend to like unicorns, and we are most assuredly not that. Although we have imagined what it might be like to be a 5 year old girl, and it was quite magical.
In any case, we should also like to remind you that we have a Facebook page, which you should like, and that we like bacon. American bacon, that is, since Canadian bacon is what we call ham. We like that too, only not as much. And, while we are on the topic, we should have another post up by next week.
Tectonically yours,
The Brown Law Admissions Team
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