Hello all,
So, it's been a little while since our last post. We here at the Brown University School of Law's Admissions Office have been terribly busy evaluating the overwhelming number of applications we have received this year, and hence haven't had much time to blog lately. Brown Law had a record-breaking number of applicants this admissions season--zero, in total--and it takes quite a bit of time to sift through that many applications to find those few, nonexistent gems that will ultimately merit an offer of admission from us. So many of these applicants are incredibly well qualified, and we had to make a few tough, absolutely heart-wrenching decisions this year about who we should admit and who we should reject. Some of us cried, some of us held it in, but, let me assure you, we all had strong feelings concerning the applications this year. Of course, we all didn't agree on each decision--which may have led to some unnecessarily hostile actions within the Admissions Office--but we all are in agreement that next year's class will be truly spectacular, and we're sure it will be the envy of such slightly less well-known schools as Harvard and Yale.
Now, I'm sure you all are dying to know Brown Law's admissions statistics this year, since we've completed evaluating all our applications. Out of that incredible number applications mentioned earlier, we've admitted a grand total of zero students (all of whom we expect shall matriculate). Of course, in the unlikely event that some of those applicants elect not to come to Brown Law, we chose to arbitrarily waitlist a reasonable number of our most impressive applicants. These candidates are certainly of equal caliber to those we admitted, but, for no particularly identifiable reason or another, were chosen to be put on our unranked waitlist rather than be admitted to the law school. We informed them how well-qualified they were, how much we would like to admit them to our school, and how much we would like to see them at our law school next year, but we are just simply unable to admit them at this point in time for X invented-reason-beyond-their-control. Indeed, some of those decisions were so hard, that, between our tears, we may have let a few typos slip by in those waitlist offers. Of course, the same might be true of our admission letters, since we were generally crying out of joy then. And, to all none of you that were rejected from us, well, we never really considered you as anything more than a statistic anyway. So all of those letters were remarkably poorly written pieces of overtly condescending literature. Isn't that about the best you can expect when you put together a shitty application?
However, we here at Brown Law are an inventive bunch, and so we do more than just admit, waitlist, and reject students. We also have a waitlist for our waitlist, and a secret group within the first waitlist just for special people, and a super secret special group in that already secret group for the really special people. However, we were recently informed this year that Georgetown also maintains a somewhat similar and equally nonsensical waitlist structure, and so we had to step it up a notch. We elected to invent a decision of "hold", whereby we merely decide not to make a decision and just hold a candidate's application for an indeterminate amount of time while we look at other applications. Of course, physically holding the applicant's file while we look at other files is really difficult, so what this status really means is that we shove the applicant's file into a hidden spot and just generally forget about them. However, again we find ourselves mimicked by another university--Harvard, of all places. So, in the spirit of inventiveness, we are pleased to announce that, in addition to our multiple, subdivided unranked waitlists and the decision of "hold", we have come up with the following new decision statuses: "consideration of file deferred until next year", "file indefinitely undecidable", "application not looked at and never will be", "application undecided but no longer under consideration because we spilled coffee on it and can no longer read it", and "file destroyed by fire because the applicant was so bad".
As you can see, Brown Law is really on the cutting edge of admissions technology. We fully expect that all these decision types will be ripped off next year and applied by every law school, from Harvard right down to the Thomas M. Cooley School of Law (which, apparently, is a descent of only one spot in the Cooley ranking system). This is why Brown Law is always on top--we create the future, and we decide the future, and our future is now. And, by now, we mean in the future.
Well, I think that's all for now. Now all we need to do is create a few new Gmail accounts and shamelessly self-promote on the TLS forums. We need to create new accounts because we get permanently banned on TLS whenever we do this. But this does not stop us, no. For where else would we find readers? Also, please visit our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Brown-University-School-of-Law/113180462092231?sk=wall. Become a fan! Write nonsense on our wall! Because that's how we do things at Brown Law. So, until next time (which hopefully won't be so long in the coming as this time)!
Postulatively yours,
The Brown Law Admissions Team
