Dear Gentle Applicant,
Recently, it has come to our attention that the following adjectives have been used to describe the job prospects in today's job market: "bleak", "disastrous", "not so good", "frappuccino", and "terrible". In our opinion, this indicates that perhaps it is hard for people to obtain jobs nowadays, and this perhaps might be worrisome to you, our potential applicants. Some of you have asked what kinds of jobs BS Law graduates go on to obtain, and how our students fare in todays legal market--these are very natural worries. However, we are very pleased to report that our students do quite well in this area, and we can happily say that no student of ours has ever gone on to be employed, ever. We used the word 'ever' twice in that sentence for emphasis. That's right--a degree from BS Law will ensure that you will never have to work a job ever again in your life. After all, why would you want to? Jobs are hard work, especially ones in the field of law, and, really, who wants to work hard? Certainly not us.
We are quite proud of our 0% employment rate 9 months after graduation. We recently read that Stanford's rate was a godawful 99%. At first we were quite excited to hear that at least 1% had managed to escape the dreadful fate of working a job and pursuing a career, but then we found out that that 1% was comprised of some student going on to pursue a further graduate degree. We feel very sorry for their students, seeing as it looks like all of them eventually go on to work for a living. Fortunately, our students aren't confined to such worldly trappings as jobs, and they manage to get on quite well without jobs. Of course, in order to remain jobless, sometimes they have to give up certain things--for example, eating. We know that some of our graduates have given up eating because "it was too expensive", and we applaud such ingenuity. We have heard that a human being can survive for weeks without food; however, Brown Law graduates push such natural boundaries to the limit. We are 95% certain that, if you give up eating, you will manage to survive for the rest of your life.
Eating is one of those activities that is terribly overrated. We mean, seriously, who eats? It's an expensive habit to maintain, and we've heard that an overdose of food can sometimes result in death. In other cases, it results in obesity, diabetes, rabies, babies, and more death. We have also heard of a disease called "diabeetus". Thank you Mr. Wilford Brimley for enlightening us about that. At any rate, all of this just proves that eating is problematic and, if you should have to choose between eating and going to Brown Law, we obviously think you should go to Brown Law. It's better than eating.
We ourselves eat as little as we can. Indeed, we eat as little as 3-5 meals a day, including breakfast, lunch, dinner, second dinner, and random meal time. However, between meals, we are perfectly pleased to report that we are both totally vegan and non-eaters, excepting moments when we snack on things which include food and other non-vegan items. We have heard that being vegan can grant one psychic powers, and we are quite excited at the prospect of that. They have not yet sunk in, but we're sure that those will kick in soon. We begin every morning by attempting to bend spoons with our mind as we eat our bacon flavored cereal.
So, back to employment opportunities for Brown Law graduates. There are none, seeing as Brown Law is a school that is so good that it is above existence. Recent, non-existent Brown Law graduates have raved about the school, saying such things as, "No place will hire me with this shitty degree," and "Would you like fries with that?" The Brown University School of Law simply dominates the market of shitty degrees and fries, and that's a fact we're proud of.
Or do we? It has come to our attention that some colleges award a degree some people try to call a "Bachelor of Science". Of course, we here at Brown Law know bullshit when we see it, and we also know that the abbreviation for that word is 'BS'. We love it when we receive an applicant's resume and it shows that he or she or it has a BS degree. After all, since we don't exist, we BS all day long, so it's always good to see that an applicant has experience in what they'll be doing for their time here, and probably for the rest of their life.
Random fact of the day: Did you know that some birds can see more colors than we can? Some can see in the ultraviolet range. We read this article entitled "Blue tits are ultraviolet tits" (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1688906/), wherein we discovered that blue tits can see ultraviolet colors. We also discovered that tits are actually birds, and that whenever we asked someone to show us her tits, we were actually asking to see her bird collection. Oh, the things you learn! In any case, some birds see according to a four color model, whereas most humans see according to a three color (RGB) model. Of course, we here at the Admissions Office can only see one color, and that color is death. But, of course, we could probably see ultraviolet colors if we really wanted to. We are confident that we are smarter than most tits, and hence we should be able to see more things than they see. Indeed, we are imagining what ultraviolet looks like right now. It's quite pretty. You should probably take a look at an ultraviolet tit sometime.
As always, send us questions and emails at brown.university.school.of.law@gmail.com, and visit our Facebook. We here at the Admissions Office neither have a face, nor any books, so perhaps it seems strange that we might have a Facebook, but we, in fact, do. In any event, we expect to have another post up again sometime next week.
Ultravioletly yours,
The Admissions Team
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Lots of Money from the UN!
Dear Happy Reader,
Today is very much a good day for us, for we received a very exciting piece of news in our inbox today. First, we seem to be growing in popularity, seeing as we have been getting more emails lately, including invitations to join clubs and such. One email from a club even promised that it could turn us into a "throbbing" member. We are not entirely sure what it means to say that a club's members are throbbing, but we assume that this is a good thing, and we are assured that this will come to us via means of "natural enhancement". We here at Brown Law love nature very much, and we suspect that we should love enhanced nature even better. How very exciting!
But, in addition to joining the said club, we also received news that we are now billionaires. That is correct--billionaires! This is even more exciting than joining a club full of throbbing members. In the email, it stated that we have been "awarded a total sum of £1,450,000.00 GBP by the United Nations Funds Relief Organization". Of course it sounds redundant to say "£1,450,000.00 GBP", for the £ means British pounds, just as GBP does, so we are hoping that they are awarding us twice that amount, which would be almost three times our daily operating expenses here at Brown Law. They are planning on sending us a Mastercard with that sum on it, to be redeemed at "any ATM Stand or cash point location worldwide". We are not sure what a cash point location is, but we are looking forward to finding out. Upon hearing this great news, we immediately forwarded them all of our requested personal details, which we have written here for your information:
1. Valid Delivery Address.
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
1st Brown St.
Brown City, VT 00637
2. Full Names.
The Brown University School of Law Admissions Team
3. Phone Number.
67
Now, we may have waffled on the phone number, and we are not entirely sure that Brown Law has a zip code, but, if it did, it would definitely be something like 00637. We are quite certain that we got number 2 correct, which means, if this were a quiz, we are guaranteed to have a grade no lower than an F. This is the grade all students receive for every Brown Law course, so we consider ourselves quite content to receive an F. We also request that everyone send an email to Dr. Anderson, our contact person at the UN, at u.nations@yahoo.com to thank him for his generous support. We have already established a scholarship fund in his honor that will pay all of one lucky student's tuition for two whole weeks. It is also quite refreshing to see that the UN uses a Yahoo email account, which means that they do not have to waste international resources on maintaining a legitimate email address server that bears the UN name on it. We here at Brown Law opt to use Gmail, seeing as Gmail is superior to Yahoo, and we also are not drawn into watching clips on how monkeys open bananas from the bottom, or into some incredibly riveting thing found in Yahoo Answers. We all know that Yahoo Answers is filled with interesting and knowledgeable experts, and, back when we were in high school, we would put all of our physics homework questions on there. We were always pleased with expert answers including such statements as "I don't know", "Good luck", and "Do your own damn homework you homo". We do not know what a "homo" is, but we figure it is a term of endearment, and so we put in an edit to call that person a "homo" too, so that they would know that we reciprocated their emotions. We almost passed physics that year as a result of Yahoo Answers, and we cannot recommend it enough.
Well, we have updated two days in a row, which is quite exciting too. We cannot wait to hear back from Dr. Anderson, and we are looking forward to seeing the Dr. Anderson Scholarship be awarded. Also, feel free to email us at Brown.University.School.of.Law@gmail.com. We always love to read fan mail. We can also add you to our list to notify you of new posts. Our next post should be within the next week or so. So, until then, adieu!
Dichotomously yours,
The Admissions Team
Today is very much a good day for us, for we received a very exciting piece of news in our inbox today. First, we seem to be growing in popularity, seeing as we have been getting more emails lately, including invitations to join clubs and such. One email from a club even promised that it could turn us into a "throbbing" member. We are not entirely sure what it means to say that a club's members are throbbing, but we assume that this is a good thing, and we are assured that this will come to us via means of "natural enhancement". We here at Brown Law love nature very much, and we suspect that we should love enhanced nature even better. How very exciting!
But, in addition to joining the said club, we also received news that we are now billionaires. That is correct--billionaires! This is even more exciting than joining a club full of throbbing members. In the email, it stated that we have been "awarded a total sum of £1,450,000.00 GBP by the United Nations Funds Relief Organization". Of course it sounds redundant to say "£1,450,000.00 GBP", for the £ means British pounds, just as GBP does, so we are hoping that they are awarding us twice that amount, which would be almost three times our daily operating expenses here at Brown Law. They are planning on sending us a Mastercard with that sum on it, to be redeemed at "any ATM Stand or cash point location worldwide". We are not sure what a cash point location is, but we are looking forward to finding out. Upon hearing this great news, we immediately forwarded them all of our requested personal details, which we have written here for your information:
1. Valid Delivery Address.
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
1st Brown St.
Brown City, VT 00637
2. Full Names.
The Brown University School of Law Admissions Team
3. Phone Number.
67
Now, we may have waffled on the phone number, and we are not entirely sure that Brown Law has a zip code, but, if it did, it would definitely be something like 00637. We are quite certain that we got number 2 correct, which means, if this were a quiz, we are guaranteed to have a grade no lower than an F. This is the grade all students receive for every Brown Law course, so we consider ourselves quite content to receive an F. We also request that everyone send an email to Dr. Anderson, our contact person at the UN, at u.nations@yahoo.com to thank him for his generous support. We have already established a scholarship fund in his honor that will pay all of one lucky student's tuition for two whole weeks. It is also quite refreshing to see that the UN uses a Yahoo email account, which means that they do not have to waste international resources on maintaining a legitimate email address server that bears the UN name on it. We here at Brown Law opt to use Gmail, seeing as Gmail is superior to Yahoo, and we also are not drawn into watching clips on how monkeys open bananas from the bottom, or into some incredibly riveting thing found in Yahoo Answers. We all know that Yahoo Answers is filled with interesting and knowledgeable experts, and, back when we were in high school, we would put all of our physics homework questions on there. We were always pleased with expert answers including such statements as "I don't know", "Good luck", and "Do your own damn homework you homo". We do not know what a "homo" is, but we figure it is a term of endearment, and so we put in an edit to call that person a "homo" too, so that they would know that we reciprocated their emotions. We almost passed physics that year as a result of Yahoo Answers, and we cannot recommend it enough.
Well, we have updated two days in a row, which is quite exciting too. We cannot wait to hear back from Dr. Anderson, and we are looking forward to seeing the Dr. Anderson Scholarship be awarded. Also, feel free to email us at Brown.University.School.of.Law@gmail.com. We always love to read fan mail. We can also add you to our list to notify you of new posts. Our next post should be within the next week or so. So, until then, adieu!
Dichotomously yours,
The Admissions Team
Thursday, June 16, 2011
We Are Not a 5 Year Old Girl
Dear All My Imaginary Friends,
Alas, where has the time gone? It sure does fly by when you don't exist. It's been about 2 months since our last post, and it only feels like it has been 4. We have been terribly busy not admitting students and engaging in unicorn jousting, and hence we have not had much time to write. We also entered into a coma after jumping out of a window of a seven story building. No need to worry about our health though, as we have regained consciousness, and the window was only on the first floor. Whatever emotional trauma we may still be experiencing from the event shall remain, like all good, American emotions, healthily repressed, and will not be featured further in this blog.
Now, we here at the Brown University School of Law like to keep our fans and applicants aware of the facts about our school. We know you come here to find the facts, and we want to give them to you. We know you want to find out how to get into BS Law, to know how we separate the weak from the wuss, and this is the place you will find out how we are not able to do that.
That is correct--we do not separate the weak from the wuss, because an ability to do so would require us to be able to discriminate between applicants, and we all know that discrimination is wrong. We know that some applicants to Brown Law are real, while others are imaginary. Some are even as complex as 3+4i. Here in the Admissions Office, we strive for fairness, and, in the interest of fairness, we treat our applicants as a single collective entity rather than as a set of distinct and separate persons. It is as though all of you were parts of a single body. Should you like it if we simply talked to your spleen, rather than to you as a whole person? We should think not, for a spleen is only part of a greater whole. Furthermore, we are somewhere between 85 and 90 percent sure that spleens do not have ears, and therefore it would be a futile effort anyway. We are aware that our pool of applicants reflects a great diversity of races, religions, ages, and species, and we also are aware that the best way to recognize diversity is by refusing to recognize it at all, and that is what we here at the Brown Law Admissions Team strive for. Also, treating everyone as a collective entity makes it easier for us when we drop files, seeing as we do not need to concern ourselves with ensuring that each paper gets returned to its original folder. We here at Brown Law drop things often.
As always, we ask that you come back here often, seeing as we update frequently, maybe once or twice every couple of months. However, we will actually update much more frequently during the next month or two, seeing as Google has offered us $75 in free advertising. Originally the offer was for $100, but we were lazy and procrastinated. We are also now otherwise unemployed, and when one is unemployed, one has much more time to make up facts and write blogs such as this one. Did you know, jaguars can reproduce with iguanas? We once saw a jaguar mount an iguana, yes we did. Also, unicorn jousting is the official sport of Brown Law. If you cannot tell, we like unicorns, as they are sparkly and one can train them to crap out one's name in rainbows. We call ours Sugarplum. We should also like to assert that we are not a 5 year old girl. It has been made known to us that 5 year old girls also tend to like unicorns, and we are most assuredly not that. Although we have imagined what it might be like to be a 5 year old girl, and it was quite magical.
In any case, we should also like to remind you that we have a Facebook page, which you should like, and that we like bacon. American bacon, that is, since Canadian bacon is what we call ham. We like that too, only not as much. And, while we are on the topic, we should have another post up by next week.
Tectonically yours,
The Brown Law Admissions Team
Alas, where has the time gone? It sure does fly by when you don't exist. It's been about 2 months since our last post, and it only feels like it has been 4. We have been terribly busy not admitting students and engaging in unicorn jousting, and hence we have not had much time to write. We also entered into a coma after jumping out of a window of a seven story building. No need to worry about our health though, as we have regained consciousness, and the window was only on the first floor. Whatever emotional trauma we may still be experiencing from the event shall remain, like all good, American emotions, healthily repressed, and will not be featured further in this blog.
Now, we here at the Brown University School of Law like to keep our fans and applicants aware of the facts about our school. We know you come here to find the facts, and we want to give them to you. We know you want to find out how to get into BS Law, to know how we separate the weak from the wuss, and this is the place you will find out how we are not able to do that.
That is correct--we do not separate the weak from the wuss, because an ability to do so would require us to be able to discriminate between applicants, and we all know that discrimination is wrong. We know that some applicants to Brown Law are real, while others are imaginary. Some are even as complex as 3+4i. Here in the Admissions Office, we strive for fairness, and, in the interest of fairness, we treat our applicants as a single collective entity rather than as a set of distinct and separate persons. It is as though all of you were parts of a single body. Should you like it if we simply talked to your spleen, rather than to you as a whole person? We should think not, for a spleen is only part of a greater whole. Furthermore, we are somewhere between 85 and 90 percent sure that spleens do not have ears, and therefore it would be a futile effort anyway. We are aware that our pool of applicants reflects a great diversity of races, religions, ages, and species, and we also are aware that the best way to recognize diversity is by refusing to recognize it at all, and that is what we here at the Brown Law Admissions Team strive for. Also, treating everyone as a collective entity makes it easier for us when we drop files, seeing as we do not need to concern ourselves with ensuring that each paper gets returned to its original folder. We here at Brown Law drop things often.
As always, we ask that you come back here often, seeing as we update frequently, maybe once or twice every couple of months. However, we will actually update much more frequently during the next month or two, seeing as Google has offered us $75 in free advertising. Originally the offer was for $100, but we were lazy and procrastinated. We are also now otherwise unemployed, and when one is unemployed, one has much more time to make up facts and write blogs such as this one. Did you know, jaguars can reproduce with iguanas? We once saw a jaguar mount an iguana, yes we did. Also, unicorn jousting is the official sport of Brown Law. If you cannot tell, we like unicorns, as they are sparkly and one can train them to crap out one's name in rainbows. We call ours Sugarplum. We should also like to assert that we are not a 5 year old girl. It has been made known to us that 5 year old girls also tend to like unicorns, and we are most assuredly not that. Although we have imagined what it might be like to be a 5 year old girl, and it was quite magical.
In any case, we should also like to remind you that we have a Facebook page, which you should like, and that we like bacon. American bacon, that is, since Canadian bacon is what we call ham. We like that too, only not as much. And, while we are on the topic, we should have another post up by next week.
Tectonically yours,
The Brown Law Admissions Team
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