Dear Gentle Applicant,
Recently, it has come to our attention that the following adjectives have been used to describe the job prospects in today's job market: "bleak", "disastrous", "not so good", "frappuccino", and "terrible". In our opinion, this indicates that perhaps it is hard for people to obtain jobs nowadays, and this perhaps might be worrisome to you, our potential applicants. Some of you have asked what kinds of jobs BS Law graduates go on to obtain, and how our students fare in todays legal market--these are very natural worries. However, we are very pleased to report that our students do quite well in this area, and we can happily say that no student of ours has ever gone on to be employed, ever. We used the word 'ever' twice in that sentence for emphasis. That's right--a degree from BS Law will ensure that you will never have to work a job ever again in your life. After all, why would you want to? Jobs are hard work, especially ones in the field of law, and, really, who wants to work hard? Certainly not us.
We are quite proud of our 0% employment rate 9 months after graduation. We recently read that Stanford's rate was a godawful 99%. At first we were quite excited to hear that at least 1% had managed to escape the dreadful fate of working a job and pursuing a career, but then we found out that that 1% was comprised of some student going on to pursue a further graduate degree. We feel very sorry for their students, seeing as it looks like all of them eventually go on to work for a living. Fortunately, our students aren't confined to such worldly trappings as jobs, and they manage to get on quite well without jobs. Of course, in order to remain jobless, sometimes they have to give up certain things--for example, eating. We know that some of our graduates have given up eating because "it was too expensive", and we applaud such ingenuity. We have heard that a human being can survive for weeks without food; however, Brown Law graduates push such natural boundaries to the limit. We are 95% certain that, if you give up eating, you will manage to survive for the rest of your life.
Eating is one of those activities that is terribly overrated. We mean, seriously, who eats? It's an expensive habit to maintain, and we've heard that an overdose of food can sometimes result in death. In other cases, it results in obesity, diabetes, rabies, babies, and more death. We have also heard of a disease called "diabeetus". Thank you Mr. Wilford Brimley for enlightening us about that. At any rate, all of this just proves that eating is problematic and, if you should have to choose between eating and going to Brown Law, we obviously think you should go to Brown Law. It's better than eating.
We ourselves eat as little as we can. Indeed, we eat as little as 3-5 meals a day, including breakfast, lunch, dinner, second dinner, and random meal time. However, between meals, we are perfectly pleased to report that we are both totally vegan and non-eaters, excepting moments when we snack on things which include food and other non-vegan items. We have heard that being vegan can grant one psychic powers, and we are quite excited at the prospect of that. They have not yet sunk in, but we're sure that those will kick in soon. We begin every morning by attempting to bend spoons with our mind as we eat our bacon flavored cereal.
So, back to employment opportunities for Brown Law graduates. There are none, seeing as Brown Law is a school that is so good that it is above existence. Recent, non-existent Brown Law graduates have raved about the school, saying such things as, "No place will hire me with this shitty degree," and "Would you like fries with that?" The Brown University School of Law simply dominates the market of shitty degrees and fries, and that's a fact we're proud of.
Or do we? It has come to our attention that some colleges award a degree some people try to call a "Bachelor of Science". Of course, we here at Brown Law know bullshit when we see it, and we also know that the abbreviation for that word is 'BS'. We love it when we receive an applicant's resume and it shows that he or she or it has a BS degree. After all, since we don't exist, we BS all day long, so it's always good to see that an applicant has experience in what they'll be doing for their time here, and probably for the rest of their life.
Random fact of the day: Did you know that some birds can see more colors than we can? Some can see in the ultraviolet range. We read this article entitled "Blue tits are ultraviolet tits" (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1688906/), wherein we discovered that blue tits can see ultraviolet colors. We also discovered that tits are actually birds, and that whenever we asked someone to show us her tits, we were actually asking to see her bird collection. Oh, the things you learn! In any case, some birds see according to a four color model, whereas most humans see according to a three color (RGB) model. Of course, we here at the Admissions Office can only see one color, and that color is death. But, of course, we could probably see ultraviolet colors if we really wanted to. We are confident that we are smarter than most tits, and hence we should be able to see more things than they see. Indeed, we are imagining what ultraviolet looks like right now. It's quite pretty. You should probably take a look at an ultraviolet tit sometime.
As always, send us questions and emails at brown.university.school.of.law@gmail.com, and visit our Facebook. We here at the Admissions Office neither have a face, nor any books, so perhaps it seems strange that we might have a Facebook, but we, in fact, do. In any event, we expect to have another post up again sometime next week.
Ultravioletly yours,
The Admissions Team
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