It is a sad, sad day for us, as it has come to our attention that the money promised to us by the U.N. appears very unlikely to ever make it to our hands. Now, we have been writing to the courier company for awhile, but they no longer respond to our emails. So, here's what has been going down since our last post about the money.
We talked briefly with the U.N. representative for awhile, who then informed us that he was sending our Mastercard via some small courier company that we had never heard of. He gave us the email and address of the company in London, and we contacted them. They then asked for our personal information, some of which had already been given to the U.N., and also for £850. We asked them why they needed our personal information, seeing as we had given it to the U.N. already, and the address, etc. should already be on the box, and why the price was so high for courier services. They got a little testy when we asked them that, and proclaimed that it was their "civic right" to ask us for our personal information. The following is the personal information we gave to the U.N.:
1. Valid Delivery Address.
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
1st Brown St.
Brown City, VT 00637
2. Full Names.
The Brown University School of Law Admissions Team
3. Phone Number.
67
Now, since it had been a couple days later, we realized that some of our personal information may have changed during that time, and so we sent the courier company the following updated information:
VITAL INFORMATION:
FULL NAME: Dean Unicornelius Brown (step)
DATE OF BIRTH: September 31, 1967
STATE OF ORIGIN: Newportal VX, USA
NATIONALITY: American and Hamiltonian dual citizenship
SEX: Yes
ADDRESS Home: 3011 Atruelier Way, Apt. 6719Z, Worthier VX, 00637
PHONE NO CELL/HOME: 671 181 957
ADDRESS OFFICE: Brown University School of Law, Admissions Office, 2rd Brown St., Browntown, VT 00637
PHONE NO CELL/OFFICE: 671 181 957
FAX: 671 181 957
PREFFERED ADDRESS TO DELIVER PARCEL
Brown University School of Law
Admissions Office
2rd Brown St.
Browntown, VT 00637
CLIENT SIGN
D.U.B. (step)
After providing them with that information, I asked them to confirm if that was the address the U.N. had put on the box, and, much to our relief, they confirmed that our address at 2rd Brown St. in Browntown VT was what the U.N. had put on the box, despite this being a new address that we invented. We also realized that Brown Law ought to be located in Browntown instead of Brown City, because 'brown' rhymes with 'town'. Browntown. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? We have also discovered that the zip code 00637 is located in Puerto Rico. They also didn't ask about our birth state, which bears the state abbreviation "VX". We do not know what state "VX" is, but we hoped that it was the right one. We also don't know where Hamiltonia is, but we have a citizenship there. We're fans of Alexander Hamilton though, so that counts for something. They also solicited us for sex, to which we said yes, but they never followed up on that either. They also apparently never tried to call our phone number, which only has nine digits, as opposed to the usual ten, and is the same number as our fax machine. And, furthermore, they failed to note that there is no such date as September 31.
However, they did reply to our concern about the price, and informed us that it was so high due to the fact that the charge reflected more than just a delivery charge, and could be broken down in the following way:
Courier Delivery charges.......150Pounds
Value Added Tax (VAT).........250Pounds
Insurance and Security........150pounds
Stamp Duties........................
This amounts to a total of the 850Pounds required from you.
We then informed them that this number was surely in error, for two reasons. First, there shouldn't be any stamp duty, seeing as a stamp duty is a tax that is not applicable to courier services. Second, the VAT rate in the UK is 20%, and only the delivery charges and insurance were eligible for a VAT, seeing as the dubious stamp duty is, itself, a tax, and taxes are not charges that can be taxed further. We do not appreciate it when people attempt to tax our tax. At any rate, we said that the charge should be only 360 pounds, correcting for the faux stamp tax and the 80% VAT rate. They agreed to scrap the stamp duty, as that was in error, but the VAT reflects what the U.N. has set for awards exceeding a million pounds, and so we owed them 550 pounds. We then informed them that the U.N. is not a tax levying entity, and therefore cannot set any tax rate anywhere, but this did not convince them to drop the charges below 550 pounds.
And so we agreed to pay the 550 pounds, but, since our imaginary bank charges us foreign transaction fees, we forwarded our imaginary money to an imaginary friend that was conveniently located in London, and we informed them that we would pay locally. They then replied that, due to security reasons, they cannot accept payments from third parties, and that either we would have to pay from our current location, or accept the package in person. We informed them that there was no security risk, seeing as all our friend would be doing was giving money, not accepting the package, and that we had legally authorized him to handle our financial transactions. The courier company was not satisfied by this, and so we informed them that we were in Paris at the moment, and thus would travel over to London to pick up the package ourselves in a couple days at their office, seeing as we had their address at 115 Hyde Park Gate, Kensington London, and that we knew the area, seeing as we have been to London before, and Virginia Woolf was born on that street. We asked if they had ever visited Virginia Woolf at 22 Hyde Park Gate, but they didn't answer that question. They did, however, inform us that, since we were coming in person, there would be no need for their courier services, and thus the fee would now be £10,000 for notarization and documentation fees. We agreed to that sum without question, for £10,000 is obviously a very reasonable price for getting a couple documents notarized. Once, here in the U.S., a public notary notarized a document for me for free. However, on a different occasion, we were heavily extorted, and they charged us $1 to have our document notarized. We were quite outraged by such an exorbitant charge, and so we vowed that the public notary was a public enemy and that we would never let them rip us off so badly again. 10,000 pounds, however, is quite reasonable, seeing as we are extraordinarily fat, and weigh at least 25,000 lbs., if not 30,000. Hence, we could easily give away 10,000 pounds, provided they had the instruments necessary for cutting away the 10,000 lbs. of human flesh off of our body. We keep it attached to us to keep it fresh.
Later on, we emailed the courier company informing them that we had walked around Hyde Park Gate and could not find their office anywhere, and that 115 Hyde Park Gate looked remarkably like an apartment building. We did not actually walk down that road, but we typed it into Google Maps and went on an imaginary adventure in the Google Maps photographs. We then asked if they could pick us up at our hotel instead, and they agreed to this. We then looked for five star hotels that were a decent hike away on the outskirts of London, and gave them the name and address of one that looked nice. We also told them to ask for us, "Dean Unicornelius Brown, the Unicorn Man" at the front desk, for that is what the desk staff knew us as. We do not know if they ever went to the hotel in the end, although, strangely enough, they no longer replied to our emails afterwards. How terribly disappointing! Maybe, somewhere along the line, they figured out that we actually do not exist, except in the imaginations of innocent children. It's probably just as well, seeing as we knew all along that they did not exist either, and that their courier company is just as imaginary as we are. They just have real fees, whereas we do not.
Oh! And remember how we stated that the United Nations was using Yahoo, and how Yahoo was inferior to Gmail? Well, it turns out that they upgraded to Gmail sometime during our interaction with them. We are very pleased to know that the U.N. uses the finest in free email right now. On a side note, we were disappointed that the courier company never commented on the year that we received our J.D. from B. S. Law. You see, we're terribly precocious, and, in our imaginations, we were in the class of '65. Given the birthdate in 1967 we gave above, this would mean that we received our J.D. at the ripe age of -2 years old. We believe that, if you can think something, then that something is both true and real, despite however they might contradict with "the facts". We here at Brown Law don't believe in the facts, and neither should you.
While we have not been to London or Paris recently, despite whatever we told the courier company, we have been to both once before. That, however, was quite a long time, back in the years of our youth. Our youth really was quite awful, seeing as it was filled with horrors such as high school. We hope that you did not go to high school, for it is a place filled of angst and suffering and petty nonsense. Ah, those were dark days....
In any case, as always, subscribe to our Facebook, and to this blog. Seeing as we have no concept of time, and so we are unable to distinguish between how much time comprises a week and how much time comprises a month, it would be irresponsible for us to say when we plan to have our next post up. However, we're justing going to go ahead and be irresponsible and say that we want to have another one up a week from now.
Contrapositively yours,
The Admissions Team
thanks for the info! much needed one..
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