We Are Not a 5 Year Old Girl

Dear All My Imaginary Friends,

Alas, where has the time gone? It sure does fly by when you don't exist. It's been about 2 months since our last post, and it only feels like it has been 4. We have been terribly busy not admitting students and engaging in unicorn jousting, and hence we have not had much time to write. We also entered into a coma after jumping out of a window of a seven story building. No need to worry about our health though, as we have regained consciousness, and the window was only on the first floor. Whatever emotional trauma we may still be experiencing from the event shall remain, like all good, American emotions, healthily repressed, and will not be featured further in this blog.

Now, we here at the Brown University School of Law like to keep our fans and applicants aware of the facts about our school. We know you come here to find the facts, and we want to give them to you. We know you want to find out how to get into BS Law, to know how we separate the weak from the wuss, and this is the place you will find out how we are not able to do that.

That is correct--we do not separate the weak from the wuss, because an ability to do so would require us to be able to discriminate between applicants, and we all know that discrimination is wrong. We know that some applicants to Brown Law are real, while others are imaginary. Some are even as complex as 3+4i. Here in the Admissions Office, we strive for fairness, and, in the interest of fairness, we treat our applicants as a single collective entity rather than as a set of distinct and separate persons. It is as though all of you were parts of a single body. Should you like it if we simply talked to your spleen, rather than to you as a whole person? We should think not, for a spleen is only part of a greater whole. Furthermore, we are somewhere between 85 and 90 percent sure that spleens do not have ears, and therefore it would be a futile effort anyway. We are aware that our pool of applicants reflects a great diversity of races, religions, ages, and species, and we also are aware that the best way to recognize diversity is by refusing to recognize it at all, and that is what we here at the Brown Law Admissions Team strive for. Also, treating everyone as a collective entity makes it easier for us when we drop files, seeing as we do not need to concern ourselves with ensuring that each paper gets returned to its original folder. We here at Brown Law drop things often.

As always, we ask that you come back here often, seeing as we update frequently, maybe once or twice every couple of months. However, we will actually update much more frequently during the next month or two, seeing as Google has offered us $75 in free advertising. Originally the offer was for $100, but we were lazy and procrastinated. We are also now otherwise unemployed, and when one is unemployed, one has much more time to make up facts and write blogs such as this one. Did you know, jaguars can reproduce with iguanas? We once saw a jaguar mount an iguana, yes we did. Also, unicorn jousting is the official sport of Brown Law. If you cannot tell, we like unicorns, as they are sparkly and one can train them to crap out one's name in rainbows. We call ours Sugarplum. We should also like to assert that we are not a 5 year old girl. It has been made known to us that 5 year old girls also tend to like unicorns, and we are most assuredly not that. Although we have imagined what it might be like to be a 5 year old girl, and it was quite magical.

In any case, we should also like to remind you that we have a Facebook page, which you should like, and that we like bacon. American bacon, that is, since Canadian bacon is what we call ham. We like that too, only not as much. And, while we are on the topic, we should have another post up by next week.

Tectonically yours,

The Brown Law Admissions Team